No affair, no feelings...is there hope?

[44tries]

If you were to discover that your W is having an EA/PA, would that be a deal breaker for you?

So, my answer is probably no. I can't say for sure since I don't think I can predict exactly how I would feel and it would depend on the details of the situation. If I found out she has physically cheated on me, I would be very shocked and I don't know for sure if I could move past it. That said, I can tell you with nearly 100% confidence that there has not been any type of A going on for any length of time. I know there is one 'kid' in her new texting circle that she texts more than the others, to an excessive degree, but this has been happening for literally a week. Since she had her week of suddenly wanting to party with them, they left to go back to the states, and that is when the texting started. So if there is an EA, it has just recently developed. The hypothetical situation would be: She went out with them, something sparked with one of them, she decided she wanted the freedom to talk to and text whoever she wanted, it pushed her to decide just how unhappy she was in our marriage so she could end it and gain said freedom. I can also say if this was what is going on, it's ridiculous because she is not going to have a serious relationship with a teenager living on the other side of the world. I would be much more concerned with how quickly she decided to just give up and explore such illogical relationships.

She has not been consistently distant since we got married. It is a cycle. Majority of the time, things are fine (with the exception of the sex-life which has been a slow and steady downhill climb, and I am well aware this is a big exception/problem). But she is still affectionate, loving, supportive and 'close'. Then, she will suddenly have her moments of doubt. Make her vague comments about being unsure of me and her happiness. These have become more and more infrequent, but more and more serious. Last year was the first time she actually said she felt 'done' with trying. I told her things could change, and I really do believe there have been positive and lasting changes since then. Everything was on an uptick finally, I thought. There has been no discussion of major issues since then, until now. This is the worst 'bottom of the cycle' we have experienced (obviously it can't really get much worse).

It is much more likely than an A, that the answer lies in your comment about feeling that she got M too quickly. We both know and acknowledge that our relationship was rushed in the beginning. It's not like we met and got married in the same week, month, or even year; but as I said in my original post, military logistics probably pressured us to do it sooner rather than waiting. At the moment, she probably does feel like she wants to get out of it now without hurting me and doesn't know how.

I will definitely never have children with her unless things become drastically different/better than they are now. I am in no rush and I do not intend to ever bring kids into this world unless I am absolutely sure that to the best of my knowledge they will never have a broken home. It has been enough of a struggle for me in the past few years to not be absolutely sure of her feelings, just for myself. I can't wait around forever for her to make up her mind and keep going back and forth. I trusted in good faith that if she made the decision to marry me, she had finally let go of her doubts. But I realize now that was far too idealistic.

I feel like she has always kept one foot out the door, paralyzed to actually fully step in and close it. She has even explicitly told me that, after her previous relationship before me, she will never allow herself to feel that she needs someone that way again. I don't believe our marriage will ever be complete/healthy until this changes. I feel like I've offered her all my marbles and she's held a precious few of hers back. As I've mentioned to Olya, she has some major vulnerability issues. I love her with all my heart and if she can trust anyone in this world, it's me. It is heartbreaking to me that somehow this connection has failed to be made.

I very much relate to your statement that perhaps everything has not fufilled her wildest dreams and she has resentment. I think this is at least a piece of the pie. I am also unsure of my own expectations for marriage. I am not under the impression there will never be bad times, and that sometimes the choice to be committed is all that will get you through. But, I do feel like I should be able to have more security in her feelings than I do, and I agree with you that the fact these issues are rearing their head so early on is concerning. I really appreciate your sentiment and I will keep it in mind.