No affair, no feelings...is there hope?

[44tries]

I will say this: I find that military lends itself nicely to a midlife crisis. You'd think 40, but you'd be wrong.

I think this is so true. I have met way too many members who joined straight out of high school because they didn't know what else to do and are now 10 years into their career and have no real fulfillment or direction. They have a lot of 'what if' regrets and their best days were probably in the beginning when they were young, getting a fresh full-time paycheck for the first time, and partying in the dorms with all their peers who were right there with them. This can definitely induce MLC-like symptoms at a premature age like late 20s.

A little background on my wife in particular, she definitely has a lot of 'what if' regret. She was a good student in high school and a basketball star. She had college scholarships lined up to play and she wanted to be a nurse. Then, in her senior year, something happened and she was no longer allowed to play basketball. She lost her scholarships and was in a very bad place. She pulled herself together and got a CNA and worked in a VA home for a year before she decided she wanted a refresh and joined the military at 19. Now, she has had a very successful career because she is smart, motivated, and really cares unlike a lot of said members who just do it because they have nothing else. She has a lot of passion and is very ambitious about wanting to be successful in life and do better than where she came from.

In the past couple years, she has been knocking out prerequisites to do a nursing commissioning program or, more recently, considering the military's PA program. I have been really supportive and think this is great, as I think education is really important. But, there is this constant sort of indecisiveness in her. She lost a lot confidence since her original plans went bust and I don't think she ever quite gained it back. She has a lot of regret about basketball because her career was cut short way too soon and she misses it and now feels old and like the ship has sailed (sadly probably true if she wanted to do anything serious with it).

I understand that once you have a full-time job and stability, it's hard to break that cycle and pursue something totally new. But, I know deep down she won't forgive herself if she never gets a degree or pursues her dream to work in healthcare. Just like how she still can't forgive herself now for screwing up her basketball career. The problem is knowing how hard to push her and when, because I think all of my talk and support in getting her to keep working and make it a reality has contributed to me being controlling. She has times where she is really motivated and on board and then phases where she doubts herself and normal work gets overwhelming and she feels she can't do it. I think now she might be at the point where she doesn't know if she wants to do it for herself or because I want her to and I present it as the 'right' decision. I know this is really bad and was never my intention, but it's a really good example of how I may have made her feel like she couldn't be her own person or make good decisions on her own. I am aware now of how much confidence building she needs and how she needs to feel like she got there on her own rather than with a big boost/push from me.

Anyway, I think a lot of this life stress has taken its toll and is definitely contributing to her 'crisis' right now. I don't want to absolve myself of blame or deny the marriage problems, but I certainly think it's a perfect storm type situation. Life is just complicated that way. I will continue to hang out with our friends and not allow her to embarrass me or herself. The scary thing is I don't know if she even thought her behavior was unacceptable. Luckily, I was much more aware of everything than our friends were, but I'm pretty sure they could tell she wasn't herself. I'm going to try and let it run it's course. It's very hard to refrain from doing my usual supporting activities because it's one of the only ways left that I feel I can show her love, since saying it out loud or any physical contact is out of the question. Silent, subtle actions that show I still care about making her life a little better/easier are all I've got.