No affair, no feelings...is there hope?

[44tries]

I'm sorry, man. Wanna share?

Sure, I just wasn't in the place to write last night. Yesterday some of our friends invited us to go have some beers and go to the movies in the city. W asked if I wanted to go and I said sure, I'll meet them there after my Meetup (which was fun btw). W immediately starts with a double-fist of large beers. Declines to order anything besides a side of fries even though she has eaten nothing that day (this is now about 3pm). We had about two hours to hang out before the movie and it was mostly fine, chatting with friends, but with W constantly making comments about drinking and getting back into "the old days", along with texting at the table even while people are talking to her! She orders another beer and two more to take into the movie.

About 5 minutes into the movie, she says she has to go to the bathroom and doesn't come back for about 20 minutes, at which point I have to go myself and I see her standing in the tunnel entrance on her phone. I ask her what she's doing on my way by and she says, "texting" with a goofy smile and I can tell she's drunk. I say in the friendliest tone I can muster, "maybe you should go watch the movie" and continue on my way. She does go back to her seat, but continues to text throughout the movie, make comments about how she can't sit there any longer and needs a cigarette, and literally chews all her nails off (she is not a nail-biter). I was horrified and embarrassed. She didn't even say goodbye to our friends when they went their separate way afterward.

When we got home, she tells me to "watch her babies" (we have three large dogs that are basically our kids) and that she's walking to hang out with a couple that live down the street. Now, I had a couple beers as well and this is where I slipped up for a second. I asked her why I couldn't come along, because I knew what was going to happen after she left and didn't want to face it. I could feel myself losing control of my emotions. I immediately kicked myself for asking. She said she wanted to go alone and this is what she explained to me before (referring to when she said she felt "disrespectful" to not invite me). I told her have a good time and she left. Sure enough, everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I broke down. All of the anger, all of the hurt, I felt it in full force.

There is something especially painful about going through one of the worst times of your life and not only not having your best friend to turn to, but knowing they're the one to cause your pain because they went back on their end of the pact. I feel for every person that has ever had to face divorce or even the threat of it. I don't believe that my wife doesn't care about me because deep down I know she does, but yesterday she was like a stranger. Her behavior is erratic and worrisome, especially the fact that she hasn't been eating.

The very first event that began this nightmare was two weeks ago when she wanted to go out with the kids she was working with (the same ones she is now texting constantly). This was before everything changed and she was her normal, loving self asking if I was sure I didn't mind and saying I was the best. I didn't want to go that night and I told her to have some fun and I was totally okay with it. I know she needs space and she doesn't go out much, so probably needed a night of fun. I trusted her 100% and didn't have a thought or clue I might be making a mistake. I thought I was doing the right thing, I mean how can she say I am suffocating when she goes out to clubs all night and comes home at 6 in the morning, and I don't have one thing to say about it?? The problem is that she wanted to go again the next night (which I was present for) and then in the same week, had to take her overnight trip to go party with the kids yet again (and still, I have no problem and tell her she should go, I'll drop her off and pick her up at the train station). I say kids because these are literally teenagers, who have been in the military for barely over one year. Little did I know she was going to come back and end our marriage. I have been nothing but gracious and trusting (something I have struggled to be in the past), and I feel like she threw it back in my face and made me a fool.

She had plenty of time to be crazy and have fun when she was 20, and she did. It's not like we're old now, we can still go out on occasion. But, she's 26 and married with responsibilities. I am downright pissed off that she has left me to be the one making sure everything doesn't fall into disarray. I dealt with the dogs last night while it stormed and they caused hell and she was gone. This morning, she can't even manage to walk five feet from the empty bin and get a new bag of dog food out of the closet. She says she doesn't have time, she'll feed them tonight, sorry. Just like she said she'll do the dishes and her own laundry. Well the dishes are still sitting there and the laundry baskets are overflowing.

At first, I was sympathetic to the fact she is unhappy and thought, she can't help it how she feels (or doesn't feel) about me. But, now I want to call her out for throwing every commitment she ever made out the window. And let her know that she's lost my respect. I know it won't be well-received, though, and her behavior is not sustainable. This is where patience becomes harder than it looks and I need to keep working and know that progress may not happen overnight. Being at peace with the fact that it may never happen is the hardest part.