[HelenaJ]

Your situation is so bad for your kids. It didn't take 4 years for your son to notice that his parents don't sleep together. It took 4 yrs for him to mention it... He knows it's not right, but you know what? It's what he will come to know as normal. This disfunctional dynamic is shaping your children and their expectations for relationships...

I don't know about this. Our kids are smart, talented and amazingly well adjusted. H and I have had a great facade over the years. Some of the years it didn't even feel like a facade....like I said, we had a really good 6 years after the OM situation. It wasn't until the company party that things took a turn. And even during the past 4 years, things have been somewhat normal...H and I still showed affection, we still held hands, had sex, texted/called all the time. It's been the last two years...since my Dad died....that he has really pulled back and I have my suspicions about why that is, it's a long story, but the short version is that I've had to fly back home to MI more often to help my Mom. So, I've taken unaccompanied trips home and didn't really consult him on whether or not it was "ok" to go without him because my Mother needs me. He's never said, but I really think that this show of independence has thrown him for a loop.
Anyway, back to the point....our kids have been very happy and on that you'll just have to take my word. Now that things are so much more tense and obvious...I agree with you. Not a great situation for them. But it's only been a couple of months. Not the greatest situation but would still be the lesser of two evils if we can work it out.

Your husband is unreasonable, and you will never be able to reason with him.

When he is angry with me or disagrees with me this is absolutely true. Luckily, we agree on most things and as for the things we don't, I'm easy going and that helps our R tremendously. I'm not super opinionated and I usually just let him have his way. And I usually truly don't mind.

He calls you selfish. HE is the selfish one. HE is putting himself above his kids, not willing to work on the marriage, which is the foundation of his family.

I definitely feel this way as well. That's why I say if we divorce, I really don't think it's my choice. He's already made the choice.

Do you care that he thinks you are so selfish for not wanting to go on this way? You shouldn't... He is an unreasonable, selfish and cruel man. His opinion is worth nada... He doesn't have the last word on what happens with your kids. He loves his anger toward you more than he loves his kids... That is what he has shown you...

This is exactly what my mother, sister and IC keep asking and telling me. It's been a very long time since I've had to think about these traits he has...and come to terms with the horrible things he does. When we went through this 14 years ago it was just as bad if not worse in some aspects. But I felt sooo much guilt that I just took it all on and was able to blame myself rather than him which allowed me to keep trying to be what he needed. This time I have bouts where I struggle with blaming myself, but overall, I can't blame myself enough to warrant the things I know I have to do to get this straight again. My heart or my head or some part of me just won't let me betray myself even though I really want to sometimes. I just can't. It's weird.

What you are doing is not working. You need to change things up. You need to put your mental, physical and spiritual health above his opinion of you... And you need to put your children above your love for him...

My IC keeps telling me that my mental health is important and something I need to think about. I just can't see separating as putting my children above my love for him because they are happy. They are. Way happier than they would be if we separated. I would do anything for them-if I thought they would be better off, my guilt about separating would be alleviated by a ton. But they would not be better off. They wouldn't.