Withdrawal, The Worst Stage Yet?

[Rita]

Jase, that is so nice of you, your post means a lot to me. It is a very lonely undertaking, and usually I feel like I am failing at everything, so I can't understand how you can even come to that conclusion about me from what I wrote. When I look at my post, I feel like I just seem grouchy, miserable, despairing. I want to be all the things you said that I am, but I am mostly grouchy, tired, despairing except when I am in prayer and just resting in God's arms. Or when I am helping someone else (teaching or just in life).

I’ll tell you that the hardest part of MLC for me now is my children. My daughter is okay, sad but okay, but my son has spiraled downward and is skipping school a lot and very rageful, so right now it's like having an older and a younger version of the same MLC at home. I want to just be kind and trust God and not worry but lately I feel like all I do is worry because of my son – I have detached for some years now as far as my husband, with some stumbling, but with my son I get back that same desperation for my husband to return so that my son can have a father again and not just this horrible distant teenage zombie person. I have anger towards my husband that I had conquered before, because of my son's suffering. My advice because of all that I have seen happen to my kids these last years -- look for the joy in your GAL but as much as possible, put all your energy into loving your kids and showing them a happy life full of family and friends all the time, great holidays, traditions, trips, even if you are on a very tight budget, just find things to do that don't cost much. I tried to do this but I let it go too much the last few years because of endlessly working to hold to the house, and now things with my son are past a breaking point.

Last night I found a post after a few clicks from Cadet's link, and it was someone a lot like me. I realized in looking at it that the acceptance we all long for is the key to everything, but it requires a confidence in your own outlook that is very difficult when you have an in-home prodigal for so long. Because you are hearing all the lies that the devil plants in the spouse's head, you get confused a lot. The fog overwhelms your own mind if you let it. I realized in reading that post that I need to GAL in a different way. I did GAL when it all started -- I started a new side career that I really love (not enough money but I love it), I started working on my novel again, I made (and continue to make) my way through all the legal battles from loss of our business and IRS and my illness- and most of all, I became a Christian and made friends through that. But in the last year or so I realize I have been in this holding pattern -- or rather, like a butterfly pinned to a board, just waiting for release. I feel like I am on the cross 24-7. I want to find a way to GAL again, something new, where I don't feel like I am wasting my life but rather living it, and still being obedient to God's will for me. I want to banish that fog and not be confused about who I am or feel that I am doing everything wrong all the time.

Anyway, I don't know if my confusion is helpful to read about, but I saw that you just started this journey, so I thought maybe it would be helpful to talk a little bit about how I feel after all these years. I never believed it when people said it would be endless, but I wish there is some way to convince newbies of that, as I think you could build a life for yourself while you stand much better if you understood that. Another thing I do is that I pray each and every day for my husband. Sometimes I can’t find the words, so I just use the missal or I personalize a prayer. If you are feeling hatred/rage/despair/blame about your wife, and you start out, “The Lord is W’s shepherd, she shall not want…” you can’t believe the peace that will come over you. If I miss a day, I get overtaken by the heartbreak. Rejoice Ministries was a big help to me in that, and I even have a prayer partner in a far-away state through them.

Also -- I am committed to my covenant marriage until death parts us, even if he leaves, no matter what he does. I have no interest in starting over with someone new, but lately I wish I was just alone. But the thought of him actually leaving and my kids having to deal with that, that does scare me. In the end, I am happy we are still together in some way, and I am not at all sure about what I just did, my asking him to leave. I realize that on some level I am asking him to leave in the hopes that it will wake him up, and that is not going to work at all, as we know. So this makes me wonder if rather than obsessing over how much happier I will be if he is gone, I need to refocus on myself, have the confidence not to get confused, to leave the room if he is bullying me as I did for the first couple of years when it was so clear to me that he was not himself. As time goes on, you get so used to the "new" him that you forget that it's not him at all. You think that somehow you have to love this new person in order to keep your covenant, but it's more like learning to love an enemy, a task no human can do, but which is possible if God enables it in you, as it's how He loves. I just long for clarity, that’s what is hardest to maintain with an in-house prodigal.

Send you love and prayers, Jase. I am doing a 9-day novena right now and I am going to add you and your wife to it, 8 more days. Thank you for your very very kind words to me, it was a real lift.