Hoping this can be saved, but having doubts

[Maika]

Do you want to hang out with a woman who's involved with another man? She has zero respect for you as she threw it casually in your face. I am sorry, you hanging out with her knowing that she's with someone else is complete beta male behaviour that shows you don't respect yourself and have no self-worth.

Stop hanging out with her and doing anything with her. Follow Sandi's rules. Get your ballz back. Focus on yourself.

[Olya]

I assume this takes us from WAS to WW territory, and that I should not be "friend" and hang out with her (we have shared activities) when there is on ongoing A.

If she has an ongoing affair, why does she need you? When I start a new relationship, I want to spend all my time with that person. Why isn't she spending that time with HIM? Can't HE go climbing with her?

You are not there to be a buffer that makes up for all the shortcomings of the OM.

[reframe]

Thanks for the (much needed) feedback. I assume this means that I should cancel dinner plans and keep our plans for next week to taxes.

Still reeling over here.

[Maika]

I am sorry about how you're feeling - this is devastating. I am angry on your behalf of how she just cavalierly told you she was dating someone - ultimate disrespect. Dayummm!!

It's okay that you're reeling - process that and start thinking about how you're going to plant your feet firmly on the ground.

Yes - cancel dinner plans; start GAL for yourself; go NC/dark outside of business like taxes etc.

This is YOU time now - dive deep into it.

[Olya]

Yes, cancel about 45 minutes before she's supposed to be there.

[joejoe1]

Right now you are your WW buddy. She feels comfortable with telling you she has OM. You has lost respect for you.

In order for you to regain that respect you have to stop being your WW buddy. Cancel this dinner date. Go do you'll taxes, and act as if nothing is bothering you. This is a chance for you to show her your strength. Don't bring up OM, talk about the M or the R.

Keep the meeting about business. When you'll are finished tell her you have plans, you end the meet up. Get up and walk away. Let her see a strong reframe walking out of her life. Give her a glimpse of what it feels like to have reframe not be there for her anymore.

No more weak reframe. No more reframe allow disrespect. Respect yourself and she will have to do the same.

[reframe]

Thanks guys.

Part of what I'm really struggling with here is what appears to be somewhat conflicted advice between this forum and my coach, Chuck.
He'd advised me to "treat her like my sister" and continue to be friendly and supportive (i.e. help her move if I can keep upbeat during it) etc..

Before the revelation from her about OM yesterday, she was attempting to make plans with me and generally being pretty friendly.

While it hit me like a ton of bricks, I strongly suspected it was going on, and she said wanting to date was part of her motivation for moving out (See convo a few pages back). I'm honestly not even sure why confirmation of what I already was fairly sure of was so hard for me. But I found myself unable to sleep last night, thinking of her sleeping with OM.

Part of me feels like I should continue to do the non-pursuit "be her supportive friend' routine.

Part of me also feels like (as was said a few replies ago) that's complete beta male behavior.

I'm having a lot of trouble reconciling the two. I'm also wondering what the point is at this point. Even IF (And it's a big IF) she decides she messed up, I'm not sure how I could trust her again.

Feeling very lost and hopeless right now.

[Maika]

Hey reframe - I feel your pain. this is not easy to navigate.

One thing - the advice and feedback from the DB Coaches is generally a bit more softer than what you will find on these boards. I say this from my experience and also others. The coaching session was extremely helpful for me, but I made changes to my approach based on the sitch and how I was feeling.

Sandi's rules talks about being pleasant, polite, and acting 'as if'. None of that is beta behaviour, but it's about you carrying yourself with confidence and self-respect. This is very had to pull off in the beginning authentically as the LBS is still reeling from the loss and is feeling out of control. That's why no contact/going dark is truly for the LBS to get some stability and get some solid ground beneath their feet.

If there was no A, I would lean towards being a supportive friend, but even then I am hesitant to full co-sign that. I don't think it makes you look strong and confident.

In the case of a confirmed A, and how your W revealed to you the A, that is just complete and utter disrespect towards you. I am sorry, but at this point being a supportive friend is not going to work for you.

As you also said, she messed up and you don't know if you can ever trust her again. So, why are you trying to be a supportive friend? what is there to gain in that? - maybe she'll turn around? You have no idea and you can't 'nice' her back. She'll lose even more respect for you.

I get you're feeling lost and hopeless right now. Been there man and it's an awful place to be. The only thing you should be doing right now is focusing on your emotional and mental wellbeing, and not worrying about her. Not worrying about how your actions might cause this or that. Not analyzing every little move and conversation with her. None of that.

Realize your MR is dead. She's gone. If she comes back, you will have to rebuild this MR and it's not going back to status quo.

Grieve and feel and process your emotions. Go see an IC if you believe you need it. Then get up and start GAL, start focusing on yourself and your goals. Make yourself the prize that only a fool would walk away from.

DB might not save your MR, but it will save you. Just trust the process - it's hard to do in the beginning because it's counter intuitive. But trust me from experience, the process is good and meant for your protection and wellbeing.

joejoe gave you good notes on how to act during the meet for taxes. Follow that.

before you act, come and talk to us here. don't act out of emotion. you're in a place right now where you need support and feedback. We're here for you. if you don't know what to do, do nothing.

[reframe]

OK, taking the "ask here before doing anything" advice to heart:

The W has one of our two dogs today, and said she took her for a long run. I asked when she wanted to drop her off with me.

I came home, and found that she already had left the dog at my house, without coordinating. (she still has a key)

While I had indicated that her dropping the dogs was fine (with coordination) she didn't wait for an OK from me or anything.
I feel like it's reasonable to send her a message saying

"Please coordinate with me before dropping off dogs, don't just leave them here without telling me"

[joejoe1]

Reframe,

If you want to send a text to create this boundary thats fine.Since you have been being a friend. I would start to text off so it don't sound like your were bothered by you'll last meetup.

I would say, "Thanks for dropping the dog off, please let me know before you drop the dog off next time."

If she ask why, you tell her it will make you feel comfortable knowing".

Don't let her draw you into an argument or discussion over this subject.

If she ask, what if I don't(she's becoming disrespectful) you tell her you will change the locks. (This is her consquence for crossing your boundary).

If you keep the convo, like above you stay in control, if you let her draw you into an argument or discussion on the M or R, she will be in control. Shes knows you are vurnable there.

If you do get drawn in. Get to your senses and tell her, you don't want to talk about the R or M, while she is involved with OM.

If she ask, is this because of the other day. Tell her the truth. Be honest about your feelings and then end the conversation. This will be hard for you to do, because you are going to want to know how she feels. (She don't know how she feels, so you will never get an accurate answer, while she is WW).

If the convo go down like this, she will probe and test you to see where you are at in relation to her. Don't let her.

Since you are the friend and husband as you have explain, you pulling away will be a lost to her. At this point she must make a decision. This is what you ultimately want, for her to make a decision. You can't control her decision, and we hope it is you.

Stay strong and continue to post.