No affair, no feelings...is there hope?

[Olya]

On the drive home, something interesting happened. She spent most of it texting her friends and I had my thoughts to myself. Casually wondering how she has so much to say over text (I never have such long conversations with people), I had the thought that whether or not she was having an EA (again, I do not have any reason to think this is the case), it didn't really matter. By declaring she is leaving the relationship, she is effectively saying she wants to be in an A. She wants to see other people and live a different life. She is giving up on me and the life that entails. I didn't feel hurt, I felt anger. I thought back to her saying in "the talk" that she didn't have fun with me and I thought, B. S. We had fun today, I don't think even she would debate that. She might be bored, unsatisfied, whatever. And our marriage no doubt has issues. But I think she has lost a bit of my respect for how she has chosen to approach the problem, and today I let myself feel angry about it. I don't know if this is a step forward or back, but it's something different than what I've felt this past week.

This is something that I struggle with as well. The endless texts drive me up the wall, especially in the car - what am I? A chauffeur? Sure, part of me wonders if it's a sign of an affair. But a part of me is simply pissed off by how rude this is. I make small talk with my Ubber drivers, for God's sake!

I've also heard the whole "I don't have fun with you anymore," and it's B.S. in my case too. I think it's easier to leave when you pretend that you (1) never loved the other person, (2) never had good times together, (3) don't have fun around each other, and that (4) there is nothing positive in your marriage. This way, the WAS does not have to feel the pain of ending something. I personally believe that marriages where there has been no abuse, no affairs, and no lies are fundamentally good and salvageable marriages. Most people believe that deep down. WAS needs a reason, so, one is created and suddenly small fixable issues are blown out of proportion, good times are forgotten, and the LBS is the root of all WAS's problems.

So, your anger and your loss of respect are probably coming from this - from realizing how ridiculous and contrived the whole situation is.

I have no idea if this anger is helpful, but I too feel it.