One of the things that I have been struggling with is self-forgiveness. So, I decided to write out everything that W said I fu$%ed up in the MR, and things that I thought I failed at.

I wrote that list and then next to it I wrote what I was going through at that period in my life - various stages and causes of depression, being unhappy with W but not being able to communicate it, feeling overwhelmed and alone etc.

I put all my failings in their proper context to understand what I could've done better. And I realized that even though I could've done better in some situations, so much of it was because I wasn't happy with myself and mentally unwell. Also, that my W never pushed me to get help or support me and be there for me. Not that your partners are responsible for your wellbeing, but if they know and sense it, then I feel they should be bringing it up and talking to you about it and helping you be better - my W never did that even though she admitted that she knew I was depressed.

Now that I have made this list and put it in it's proper context, I can start practicing self-forgiveness. I also created a list of things that I did well in the MR and how I improved during the MR and after BD. This is to also show myself that I did some frikkin' awesome things in the MR and was a great partner and father to my kids.

I also made a list of qualities and personality traits that I want in a partner. Now I have more clarity on this. I guess I am prepping for D to happen - well, I'm getting closer to the point where I am good to file, but not until end of June.

In other news with W, we had some pleasant text messages yday and today - totally around kids and their issues, but still good. Nothing to read into there, but this is a 180 for me as I just didn't want to have any communications with her. I had a hard time being super pleasant and all of that jazz. I know that I have some vestiges of anger left, but it's slowly going away and I was able to engage in some banter without having any expectations or it going anywhere.

Gotta go pick up some new climbing gear today and I am excited about that. My skill level is moving from intermediate to advanced and the work is paying off smile getting stronger and technically better every week.

I am doing great folks. Making moves this year and 2018 has shaped up to be good so far.

No one is coming to save you!