My Journey with WAS (Part 8)

[Maika]

So, I think I am reaching a place of loving detachment. Something interesting happened.

I was dropping off the kids at W's today and she messaged me to let her know when we were leaving - which at first glance I thought was odd. Why would she want to know when we left my place? I was going to be at her place in a certain time window that she knew about. Instead of getting annoyed by it I decided to just investigate my feelings and thoughts with curiosity.

Some things that came to my mind:

1. Maybe she needs to clean up all the wine bottles and beer cans from a party last night so it's all clean for the kids.
2. She needs to kick out the guy who stayed over night before we get there.
3. She needs to have a quick morning sex session before the kids get there.
4. She's become super time organized and needs to know exactly when we'll be at her doorstep to plan her day accordingly.

I couldn't think of any other options, but I am sure doodler will if he ever gets to this. I just kinda laughed at all those thoughts and asked myself why it would bother me? I asked myself if I was ready to jump in bed with her and the answer to that was a clear no. So, if she's bangin' some dude, why should I care if it happened last night or if there was some quickie action going on before we got there. So what if she partied last night.

Anyways, the point of this is that I just realized that I am not actually annoyed about this anymore as it's her own life and she can do what she wants. I know my boundaries and that's good enough.

After this thought process, I just chuckled to myself and went about my day. Still not sure why she send me that message, and it doesn't matter.

If I was totally detached, I wouldn't have gone through this mental process, so I know I still have some ways to go. But, not being sucked into mind reading games and being calm and cool has provided a great relief.

[Vanilla]

Turning things around with walkaways can be harder for the LBS. That's because the LBS has to look deeply at themselves, which requires a lot of work, IC and possibly FOO work. Trouble is on this board the walkaway is just about to runaway. I always think a wayward has a Plan A and Plan B. The walkaway usually has no plan but running.

When a spouse is wayward, the behaviour is such that it is possibly very little to do with the LBS. Of course we can own our side of the street. But often the LBS is perfectly ok, some tidying and acknowledging, growth. Dealing with a wayward is tough going and will certainly test the LBS and cause great pain.

Dealing with your own stuff and DB is under the LBS control. Wayward stuff never is. Walkaways are determined but rational and hurting from the loss. You can't have your old R or M, but new ones can be created. Walkaways will acknowledge their role, waywards know but blame. The unrepentant wayward is a pathetic creature even if willful and raging.

I haven't been into the dark morrass of the MLC forum because I don't believe in MLC. But those lads and lasses hang on for dear life, hoping for change working on themselves.

My M wasn't sex less either and there are no kids.

And no one should stay in an abusive R or M in my view that's never curable. It's dangerous and exceedingly damaging. That was my sitch, severe abuse by a dedicated destructive malevolent wayward who was and still is compulsive. He has reached almost alcoholic deterioration with an OW9 who is in Italy. Might be OW10 in timbuctu for all I care. He is to get another lump sum from me which will send him into the pit of hell of destruction.

I am very clear on it, on this board I can count few M repaired with a wayward. There are more repaired with a walkaway, at one stage I tracked 100 peeps, I chose those who had at least 1.5 threads. The majority I tracked 85% did not repair at all (or disappeared). At least 8% were abuse sitches or mental illness. There were two who I considered to be abusive themselves in that number.

I stopped tracking when my own sitch exploded.

I am a walkaway not a wayward, but I DB my sitch until the abuse escalated beyond my ability to cope. I was targeted by a conman, nothing I could have done would have made any difference.

DB did save my life, concentrating on those principles held me together. Am I unhappy my M wasn't saved? Of course I stand for M I still do, I believed in my vows. Saving my M was my goal when I came here, instead DB saved me.

V

[NicoleR]

Maika, your thread was already so far from the first page I got to this last and now I'm so late going to bed. I wanted to say though that your DB story isn't over. I'm starting to think it takes many years to know how a story ends. There's no way your wife won't stop and re-think her decision someday. Maybe you'll already be re-married or in a new relationship or not interested.

I do agree that if begging and pleading doesn't work then DB is the only other option. Probably most people eventually detach and move on anyway, but it seems like DB is meant to be used immediately before divorce happens so the context in which the techniques are practiced is specific.

I guess what I expected from DB, and why I selected it, is to stop a divorce from happening. That's why it's called what it is. That's great it's also a self-help book and helps people to embark on a journey of personal growth. It's probably not the book I'd choose for that purpose, but it does a good job of laying out a clear list of actions to take right at the time when you need them.

I've been feeling disappointed with DB, but I want to read the threads about the success stories and also wait to see what happens with my marriage. To some degree DB may have thwarted the divorce my husband threatened. By doing a better job of following DB more recently the situation is now better. In the fall I was seriously ill and just eating was extremely painful so I was limited in what I could do. Now that I'm getting better I can focus more on the other stuff....so who knows. It would appear to my husband that I've done a 180 and that I've changed, but I myself know that I have a long way to go. Privately I still go through a lot of stages of thinking every day. I'd rank my situation as among the worst since this is the second time my husband left and we barely talk. There are so many posting here who still share a bed with their spouse, live with them, go to counseling with them....there's so much more potential in those situations than in the ones where the spouse is totally physically and emotionally gone. At least that's how I see it.

I need to refresh myself on what a wayward vs. a walkaway is. I haven't picked up the book lately.

Maika, regardless of anything you're in good shape now. You've worked hard and you're seeing the results. It seems once you get on an upward trajectory the benefits are almost exponential because each accomplishment builds on the rest. I hope things keep going well for you and you get through the divorce, if that needs to happen, so you can be free to possibly date and re-marry someday.

[Cadet]

New thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2784403#Post2784403