Steve, sorry that post about the Christian counselor must be further back than I realized. I'm in a bit of a rush at the moment but I'll paste it here later. That sounds like the right thing to not involve the church. Your approach of blending techniques is interesting to me - I've done that to some extent. As I've suggested in some other posts, I think it's worth trying a few things to see what works and what doesn't. Not switching approaches completely but throwing in a different twist here-and-there to see if it makes you or your spouse react more positively or make any progress.
Next Friday I will turn 40. I have mixed feelings about. I'm not happy about it. I wish I was turning 30 again. On the other hand I'm thankful to be alive because six months ago my health was so bad I couldn't even drink water without severe pain. I did the last diagnostic medical test I needed to do yesterday to rule out two rare conditions. If it comes back negative then it seems I have a chronic condition (erosive gastritis) that I need to manage but the doctors say I should be ok. So I guess turning 40 and being alive, working towards better health, is better than the unlikely alternative of having had something worse that could have killed me.
I've been trying to read and respond to as many posts here as possible. For some reason I still feel different than most people here though. I still miss my husband. When I read Louise's post about her husband's manic behavior I don't know if my husband is mentally ill. He has ADHD that's never been treated and he's followed the same cycle now three times in recent years (first time was brief and he didn't leave) of depression followed by euphoria that always involves having an affair, going to the gym everyday, spending money wrecklessly, and acting completely against his upbringing, religion, and morals. Then the affair ends, he comes back to reality, is sorry, and wants to fix things. Except this past time, before he left the second time, I punished him so badly that I think it pushed him back into depression and he gave up. I don't know. Yes, he's a bad person, but I wonder how much of it is him choosing to be bad and how much is driven by a chemical imbalance that needs to be treated with medication.
Reading about Larry and Liza, and then EastTN's loss, I don't want to do anything that would put anyone's life at risk. I can't stop or control my husband's behavior, but I'm trying to learn to communicate in a way that empowers us both. It's so hard. Our story isn't over yet because the divorce appears to be on hold....or so it seems. Who knows, maybe the papers will come next week.
