No affair, no feelings...is there hope?

[44tries]

Update:

Got up this morning to start my day and W got in the bed after I got up. She asked if I wanted to go shopping (a 1.5 hour drive we usually make about once a month to get stuff we need from an installation that actually has real stores). Told her I was going to the gym and then biking, but if she wanted to go afterward, sure. She agreed.

I felt great at the gym. I could literally the feel the empowerment increase with every rep. I acknowledged and owned that I am a strong, smart person who will be successful and happy in life with or without W. I was just there to do my workout and these thoughts came on their own. It felt good.

The rest of the day was overall good. W and I got the shopping done, had lunch together, and even stopped at some outlets on the way home and each got a new pair of shoes and some stuff for our dogs. The whole drive down she told me about every music festival lineup happening in this region of the world over the summer. Sort of confusing as I wasn't under the impression she would be wanting me to go with her to this kind of thing, but I just enjoyed the conversation and let it be. We had a great day, lots of laughs. It was also long and tiring, but not in a bad way.

On the drive home, something interesting happened. She spent most of it texting her friends and I had my thoughts to myself. Casually wondering how she has so much to say over text (I never have such long conversations with people), I had the thought that whether or not she was having an EA (again, I do not have any reason to think this is the case), it didn't really matter. By declaring she is leaving the relationship, she is effectively saying she wants to be in an A. She wants to see other people and live a different life. She is giving up on me and the life that entails. I didn't feel hurt, I felt anger. I thought back to her saying in "the talk" that she didn't have fun with me and I thought, B. S. We had fun today, I don't think even she would debate that. She might be bored, unsatisfied, whatever. And our marriage no doubt has issues. But I think she has lost a bit of my respect for how she has chosen to approach the problem, and today I let myself feel angry about it. I don't know if this is a step forward or back, but it's something different than what I've felt this past week.

She got a work assignment and will be gone for a few days next week. Seems the universe has granted us a little built-in time apart. She asked me TWICE today if I was okay with her going. I told her of course, I was happy for her because I know she loves these temporary duties and they don't come often. But, again confusing that she would ask my permission. She didn't mention anything about my thoughts or me leaving today despite ample opportunity. I think she has accepted that I don't intend to do go anywhere and it's on her to take action. I can't help but feel like things are slowly sliding back to being 'normal'. I guess this is a positive, but it also feels like limbo. I am taking one day at a time.

Tomorrow I go right back to GAL and working on myself.