WW in MLC affair and I need advice..

[sandi2]

Sorry for getting a little behind in your thread. I want to back up to something I think I failed to address previously.

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I am interested in knowing how you see conflict in the two. What do you see as "tough love" and "letting her go"?

I feel tough love would be to stand up to my wife and be firm with her. Like in the past she could roll her eyes at me over something simple that irritated her. Now I tell her "there is no need to roll your eyes at me, I find it disrespectful". Telling her that I won't share her or a bedroom with her also seems like it would fall into this category. Anytime there was a time she needed to feel the consequences of her decisions would be TL too. I guess I feel if I'm showing her feelings even if it is from tough love that it contradicts the let it go theory. I wouldn't show the little old lady for a roommate tough love. Maybe I'm misunderstanding or missing something?

Tough love is making right decisions based on your integrity, values, standards, belief system, etc........rather than based on emotions. They are not decisions for wrongful means. Tough love is requiring the other person to be responsible for their actions.

Let me address the last part of your statement above regarding the female boarder scenario. If your boarder was being disrespectful to you......yes, you would definitely apply a tough stance. In reality, a boarder would be told to leave, but we won't go there, at the moment. My point is, you are to be respected by all who live under your roof.

Letting her go does not contradict tough love. In time, you'll get it, so don't become discouraged. It might help if you googled it, to see it outside of your MR. I use the term, tough love, mostly with H's who have the NGS.......b/c it seems so foreign to their usual mindset. It is tough for the nice guy to stand up for himself. It's tough for him to show any type of hard line action. At best, his usual way is passive-aggressive behavior........which stinks! I can't say it strong enough......IT STINKS! A wayward W hates passivity and sees it as weakness. "Letting her go" does not mean you let your respect go, too. If she interacts with you, she has to show respect. If she lives under your roof, she has to show respect. She doesn't have to like you, but she has to show you respect.

Letting her go means you stop pursuing her. You don't try to have an affectionate relationship while she is in an affair and/or being disrespectful. You stop trying to control her personal time and activities. It means you stop showing her your emotions and sharing your feelings with her. It means you don't compromise with her wayward behavior. You don't do sappy things to get on her good side. You don't over explain yourself to her. You stop trying to impress her.

I can not stand the constant cellphone use/messaging but haven't thought of a way to discuss it without coming across as controlling

Would it bother you if a boarder was on spending their time on their cell phone, or would you ignore it?

So I am biting my teeth and bearing it knowing I can't control her and she will do disrespectful and hurtful things while wayward.

I have a couple of thoughts about this ^^^^^^^. First, you've never controlled her. I mean, she was cheating on you.....and you M her anyway, so that should have shown you her capabilities. You just want to control her. Second, if you are biting your teeth and bearing it b/c you "can't" control her........then you are giving her too much control over your head space. Don't you think that's a little crazy? Let it go. However, don't accept disrespect directed at you.......from her, or anyone else. Don't mix your thinking and believe that requiring respectful treatment is the same thing as trying to control her. Know what I mean?

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You think of her and treat her as if she were no more, and no less, than an elderly lady staying there for room/board. If you'll work at having that mindset toward her, I think you'll see a difference in your feelings.....and certainly in actions.

This was very helpful in getting me to focus and relax with our routine interactions and move towards detatching. The struggle comes when my W and I interaction s envolve the girls. Last weekend I told the W I was taking the girls to the Maple Festival. She could join us if she wanted to but if not she could stay home. She joined us and it was a pleasant day. We went out to lunch and the W thanked me twice afterwards (hasn't thanked me for going out to eat in months even before A). I feel these situations allow her to cake eat.

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Well, sure it let's her cake eat, but I think there is a bigger problem in what you've just said. You want to control the entire situation, and if's obvious to me....I think it is to her, as well. You don't want to stand up to her, and yet, you don't want her to eat cake..........but you invited her along on for family activity. So what did you expect? She enjoyed it and thanked you. Did that make you feel she just got a serving of cake? Your thinking is your biggest problem at the moment. If she's going to live in the home with you.......she is going to get a certain amount of cake, it's unavoidable to an extent. In this particular instance, you invited her! It's as if you threw her party, but didn't want her to have a good time. So, since she did enjoy it, you start thinking it is cake eating.

Calling her out has worked every time. I don't think she used to it might it might change if she does. Yesterday we were leaving D5 spring concert and she started bit*hing about where I chose to park. She gave me a smartass "yeah, great place to park, we are getting out real quick!", I stearnly and calmly said " I didn't say we'd get out quickly, I said I picked this spot because it would be easier to get the truck out of (a parking lot full of vehicles). "Oh yeah" she said, "it worked great". I looked over and firmly said " are you done?!" She said with a smirk "nope!" But that was it, she dropped the topic.

Look, Natash, that ^^^^^^^ wasn't calling her out. That was you explaining your parking choices. Plus, she ended it on a disrespectful note. I doubt she even suspected that you were trying to refer to her disrespectfulness. When you asked if she was done......it only challenged her.

Just a tip for the future........don't ask her questions when you are addressing her disrespect. You ask her nothing like you did in that instance. Tell her she is being disrespectful. Then, if she continues to speak disrespectfully.....be prepared to carry through with an action. Do you see how she ended it on her terms......and not b/c you were telling her to stop the b'tching?

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On a different note, I've been following some other threads and when I read this one (below) I felt like every word you spoke to rminer and his situation is exactly like my situation. I never sit still and am always working on the house or something (until BD). My wife has told me that she feels like she is not appreciated at all, she feels like the family maid, and I thought she hadn't contributed to the success of our family.

My question is, when I read this and feel so much like you are speaking about my situation should I follow the advice you give to someone else in a same situation as myself?

Rminer worked every spare moment after he would leave his job, but he wasn't doing the work his W had left undone......or whatever was considered her work in the house. His W did the usual housework, homeschooled the kids, etc. Unless I have forgotten, he was not working on housework chores.......like cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc. He was working hard to finish building their house. I felt he had become negligent toward the emotional needs of his W. It's easy to do when a man is working himself into an early grave! He can lose sight of the current emotional needs of his family, b/c he's so busy providing the practical needs.

How can your W feel like a maid when her H is doing everything so she doesn't have to lift a finger? I can't remember at the moment if your W is employed. If she is, then help her when the two of you get home, just don't do everything. Going from one extreme to the other is not the answer. If she is not employed, then don't leave your job and go home to do hers. Unless she has physical problems or some "real" excuse......a woman will not respect or appreciate a H who does everything just so she can sit around and do nothing.......or b/c she complains and doesn't enjoy doing it herself. If that is the case, then she is either lazy or has a sense of entitlement......or both.

Rminer's W was texting OM, but she wasn't staying out all night (unless I have forgotten, or getting sitches confused). At first, I didn't catch how he had tuned her out whenever she tried to connect with him. He wasn't listening unless it was regarding important practical matters. He saw small talk as her babbling about some nonsense. He developed such a bad habit of not listening, that now he struggles to really listen to her. So, if you are guilty of the same thing......start listening from your heart.

I don't feel impressed to give you the exact advice I gave Rminer. Maybe b/c I see you being too much of a "pleaser", and you wanting to pursue her. Your W is staying out all night without her H's knowledge, and while she has small children at home. However, if you think I'm wrong, we can talk more about it.

If you plan to continue with the mental attitude of interacting with your WW as if she was a boarder in your home.........you will have to be careful the way you word compliments and how you direct the praises. I would suggest you start very, very small and rather general or impersonal. In other words, you could compliment her on cooking a good meal. You would do that for a boarder (if she cooked something), right? You can show appreciation without going overboard, can't you? If not......then it is likely to have a reverse effect with a WW.

For example, you told how she responded when you gave her a big complement about her stunning looks. Now I ask you.......why on earth would any female react to receiving that kind of complement? A WW hearing it from her H can react just exactly how you described. When her heart is that closed off and cold to her H.......she won't appreciate his complements, like a normal W. She sees him as kissing up. And if that's the case with your W, it's best to just leave it alone for now.

I think a father giving his daughters flowers is very special. But you know, they'll still expect dinner, too.........right?

It gets complicated when you mix in the WW, trying to decide what to do about her. Did you say she is dancing in the recital, also? If it were me, I'd just wait about starting a new tradition at this particular time. My question to you is.......why flowers now? You said you thought the girls were old enough to appreciate flowers, but seriously......isn't this more about your need to show your W something (either positive or negative)? Coming up with this idea, leads me to highly suspect you have ulterior motives. I just don't think you can do it without expectations.