Bye bye limbo -- it's time for a change

[mleigh4]

Vacation - a great time to relax, catch up on things....or....too much time on your hands which leads to too much thinking!

I talked with H, we plan to sit down in next week or two to go over agreement.

Yesterday was his birthday. The last two years he was away on an annual business trip during his birthday. This year he said it's later in the month so he was home. I am wondering if he was passed up this year to go, or were they really business trips, but we will see if he is telling the truth. I made his annual birthday brownies for S to give him. Even though he basically ignores my birthday, eh, I want to be a better example for S.

I notice that being nice to H is easier knowing that we have begun the divorce process. I feel freer to just be the nice me, without it seeming like I am trying to get him back. I am just being myself. It feels good. We always have pleasant interactions at pick up and drop off, I am proud that we keep that peace going for S.

H continues to show some strange behaviors though. I don't see as much anymore since I rarely see or talk to him, but his paranoia is still there. We needed something from his house for S school project, he wasn't home, I asked if S could use the hidden key to go in and grab it, he replied that the project instructions were in his room, (why) and that he locks his bedroom door when he leaves the house. So let's get this straight. He has cameras outside and INSIDE his house, and locks his bedroom door, in a house he lives in alone. I just think it's all weird. If you remember, he did the same thing when he lived in the spare room before moving out. He would stick a piece of paper in the door to see if the door was opened.

I wonder if this comes from his younger years? He had told me his mom would go through his room....

Also, S and I went to an orientation at his middle school that he will be starting this year for some advanced classes they offer. H wasn't able to make it because of work, but he came by after to hear about it. He was able to listen for about 5 minutes, then he was off asking S to run and jump while he records it in slow motion on his phone. I know, boys will be boys, he just seems so out of touch with being a serious adult sometimes. He just wants to play.

So, that's what H does. He runs around doing who knows what with who knows who, always says he is busy with plans if something is needed, like he is a single 22 year old or something...but wait! He is still a married man! He continues to forget that.

I am still going to my divorce class. I was hit on by one of the men who goes. I suppose people deal with this pain differently, but that isn't my way, and I let him know. It's actually pretty brilliant, to go to these classes to prey on vulnerable women....lol...he made a bad choice with me. It won't stop me from going though, there are only a few left.

So, with all this time on my hands this week, I think about H, I get angry that he lives so single while still married, and doesn't seem to care. I have no proof of bad behavior and assume alot but my instincts tell me he is definitely hiding something. It makes me want to sever this tie of marriage to him more than ever before. I am really hoping this will finally give me that peace and freedom to move past this!

The beach condo was nice, but I didn't feel as relaxed as usual. I am feeling anxious and not sleeping well, but I think that comes from planning D. Seems normal that it is stirring up many buried emotions. I crave solitude and quiet nights home with S these days.

MIL has already filed for divorce and has the house on the market. She used my paralegal. H mentioned how fast she is doing everything, I agreed it seems a bit quick. I WANTED to say that's because you guys turn off your emotions like a light switch and run, it's in your blood, but I didn't.

Back to work on Monday. I yearn for the routine to be back. Hope you all have a good weekend.
M