It felt really good. Like It another door had closed to the past. It felt like part of my journey. I wasn't expecting any of that.
So tonight is interesting. I feel slightly triggered.
The wonderful man I'm with lives about 2 hours drive away from me, in a small village.
He works incredibly hard during the week (a very physically demanding job, getting up very early). His work is quite a big drive away from where we both live, at the other point of a triangle, if you like, in the town where his grown up children live. He pretty much always comes up to where I live to see me at the weekends. Very occasionally he'll go on a hill climbing day or weekend, usually by himself. They have a half day on Friday as his job is so physically demanding, so he drives up after that. I go and stay with him during the week sometimes, and take myself some work to do.
Anyway, that's by the by.
Alcohol. I've become very sensitive to how much of it people drink after everything that happened in my M.
It's been a year and three months we've been together. He's only been slightly tipsy a couple of times during that time (one of them was new year). He really doesn't drink much at all, and usually will just have one beer, or one glass of wine. He simply chooses to stop, and would pretty much all of the time choose to stop rather than feel terrible the morning after, or choose to stop if he has something to do the morning after.
He's also far too interested in being very physically healthy to 'be a drinker'. And these are things that I love very much about him. Before we met, and when I was imagining the kind of man I'd like to be with, three of the things I decided I found attractive in a man would be someone that doesn't drink and someone who is healthy and makes healthy choices.
This was something that my XH just couldn't do. My XH had no self control **at all** as far as alcohol was concerned. He could never choose to stop, its like he had absolutely no self control over alcohol, even if he was already very drunk to the point where he couldn't stand up and couldn't speak. He could never go out for just one or two drinks and come home at midnight. It would turn into an all night thing, going on until he was the last person there or there was nothing more to drink, which would generally be 5.00am, 6.00am or later. This was even when he had important stuff to do, like go to work. After he left, one of his work colleagues commented to me 'we all know how much he drinks'. Two thirds of the time, he wouldn't even text me to let me know where he was, so I would wake up at 3.00 or 4.00am, in bed, alone, with no message from him. My insomnia got really, really bad during this time, and it was bad for years, exacerbated I believe by this.
This wasn't really even just one night a week, but it could be 4 nights a week for a while. Then he would just stop and not drink anything at all for a couple of weeks, or a month. Then he would start again. I wouldn't ever know when this would be, or what would cause it. He would just start drinking and going out all the time again.
The wonderful man I'm with now is staying with me this weekend. He has gone out to meet up with one of his friends. They've gone to a gig together. It's not really something he does much of, or has done. It's rare he'll go out for a night out. I'm very happy that he's out seeing his friend.
What am I up to? I felt pretty tired early evening, and it's very cold outside. So I wrapped myself up in some blankets and read for a bit. Then I fell asleep for a couple of hours, which is something that I love doing as well and don't get the chance of doing very often.
Perhaps I should focus on how much better I feel my life is now? That I can see, and truly understand, how out of kilter things were in my M? That I wouldn't be prepared to put with with many of the things that just seemed normal in my M?
I can't help feeling a little triggered and a little scared. It's about alcohol consumption. But how much someone else chooses to consume, and how they treat me when they're at that point, is their choice. I can only decide what is and what isn't unacceptable to me.
Is this about letting someone be who they are, and make the choices they want to make themselves, without trying to interfere and control and make the choices for them? There were plenty times in my M when I tried to make those choices, over alcohol, for my XH. Including taking bottles of alcohol to bed with me, so he couldn't drink them. We also didn't really have alcohol in the house, as I knew that it wouldn't last long.
After he left, it took me a good while to have anything more than the occasional bottle of wine in my house. And even then it seemed like a magical revelation that I could drink a glass and the remainder would still be there, after a couple of days.
The wonderful man I'm with has bought me spirits, and shared the bottle between our houses, so we have the option of having the occasional drink at my house or at his house. I told him I felt odd and nervous about having spirits in the house. We talked about it. It was something that he wanted to do, and it's been absolutely fine. I've almost even forgotten about it, it's become so normal. Just occasionally I'll look up to my wine rack, and see it full, and just feel happy that that is the new normal now.
Is this about trusting myself? About trusting my boundaries? I have to admit, they feel a little 'hair trigger' over the alcohol thing...
Alcohol, it's an interesting question. During my time with the G I certainly drank more than usual. And after we split I got drunk a couple of times. I am a social drinker, if I am with a drinker then I drink more than I should and eat to much.
Since being on my own all that stopped.
The G like your ex is a binge drinker and I think the G is an alcoholic too. Compulsive gambler and womaniser, why not add alcohol to that?
Can you trust another in this uncertain world? You can if you trust yourself, from my experience when one has reached this point of healing then it's a good place to be. This space made me uncertain and questioning whilst questioning my safety with another, truly I was questioning myself. Can I trust me?
It's very low impulse control with binge drinkers. That's the difference I have control and the G doesn't. You will know if you do. If you have discovered extreme care (it's a big step if you have), you will trust you to leave a damaged R. And it will happen early because those boundaries are set. You will trust you to know.
I have researched this a great deal and come to accommodation on it. How can I feel safe, how will I ever know I won't go that way, that any other person including a future R won't lose control?
There are of course no guarantees.
Past behaviour is an indicator of future behaviour.
I haven't lost control, I have never binged in this way. I go home or fall asleep, sure I celebrate or commiserate. I have lost my woes in a bottle temporarily. That's the point temporarily, I am not a binge drinker, I can stop drinking at any time and I do. I can stop eating and I do. I don't smoke. I don't gamble. I don't take drugs, even prescription ones. I don't game or over watch TV. I have no obsessions and I have goals. There is nothing in my life that hooks me. I can trust myself.
It's possible you trust yourself and if you do then you can trust yourself to treat yourself with extreme care. In that case any R you are in then you can release if it's not for you. So another's addiction is their concern and it need not be in your life. Their addiction need not be.......
And of course that may hurt, to release another as a result of their addiction, to not try to control it or them because you can't.
The chances are with extreme care, if you love you more then you can release another sooner rather than later. Knowing that is possible will stop the triggers. The first time there is a serious binge or addiction then you can set boundaries and back track.
From where I sit then then this is a new stage of healing, from the body to the mind and then backward again, its a virtuous cycle. Enjoy.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you, darling V. I've read your words many times and each time I see new wisdom in them.
One of the reasons I left the man I went out with briefly in 2016 was his drinking. I just knew I couldn't go through that again and didn't want that to be my life going forward.
Then there was his anger and emotional abuse (which I'm pretty sure would have turned into economic abuse and physical violence).
But I just could not stand the amount he drank, the regularity of it, and the effects of being close to it. It was like I'd reached my limit, my saturation point...all of a sudden, after years and years of thinking that was normal.
So, the other evening...what happened?
I'm still in a state of shock. I feel a little exhilarated, but I'm not quite sure if I can trust that yet.
I had got to a stage of 'what will be will be' that evening I wrote the post above, and of just being happy with letting things unfold without trying to exert an influence on the outcome.
Ten to midnight he texts. Ten past midnight I hear the key in my front door.
There is no scratching about with the key, no missing of the keyhole time and time again. He comes in the door. There is no sound of banging against the walls, breaking things, or over exaggerated attempts at being quiet.
He closes the door, quietly and comes through. He sits on the edge of my bed and we have a conversation where he tells me what a lovely time he's had and how the evening went. He is coherent. A bit tipsy, for sure, but just merry. He talks in sentences, without slurring his words, and remembering everything about the evening. He is coherent and co-ordinated.
Then he stands up, without swaying about or falling over. He takes all his own clothes off, in a very co-ordinated way, comes to bed, and we chat some more and have a cuddle and fall asleep. It's perhaps about half past midnight by then.
What I described above maybe happened once or twice in my M (that's me giving the benefit of the doubt...I can't actually remember something like that happening during the 18 years we were together and subsequently for the 15 years of my M). But my XH would have been **much** more drunk. He would have been uncoordinated, slurring his words, speaking in short phrases, stinking of alcohol...you get the picture.
I'm starting to realise how much I actually put up with, for all those years, thinking it was normal. And I'm starting to realise how damaging it was for me and how damaged I feel now by it.
But I also feel a little exhilarated, if a little unsure and tentative. Is this what normality is like? It feels like such a beautiful thing, so delightful and precious. I just want to hold it close, cherish it and look after it. It's like a balm for my heart.
So, interesting GAL with one of my bestest gal pals...
We had a long chat about one of her friends, who is in a M and has children to her H. As she was describing the behaviour of her friend's H, it became clearer and clearer that he was/is being really emotionally abusive (at least...I'm guessing there is more).
We chatted about the best way that my friend could be supportive to her friend.
One of the hardest things, to be present, on someone's 'side', but without telling them what to do, or trying to sort it all out for them.
I also suggested she call Women's Aid to ask about ways she could be supportive.
YES! Today I did some house things that have been on my list for ages. And it feels darn good.
The wonderful man I'm seeing has applied for a job. The one he's doing (and has done for quite a number of years) is very intensely physical. It's taking quite a toll on his body.
Having said that, he's probably in the top 5% of the population in terms of fitness. He doesn't smoke and only has the odd drink occasionally. He'll sometimes go for a ten mile run after he gets in from work as well. So he handles the job that he's doing at the moment incredibly well.
He's tired though and ready to move to another job. It's been a very precarious kind of employment and I think he would also appreciate a steady income, with the benefits that come with a contract.
I helped him with his CV (which was a lovely thing to do together) and he skipped through the first round of the application process. He had an online interview today. I'm hoping that will be fine as well. Beyond that there is an in person interview.
Can I see a future together with him? Most definitely. Not only is he the darn sexiest man I've ever met, but I like the way he deals with life. I like the way he handles himself and situations. There's an incredible amount of thought, consideration and gentleness.
Whenever he's been staying at my house, he leaves it absolutely immaculate (without being OCD about it). The washing up is all done, dried and put away, rubbish is taken out...those kinds of things (he's like that in his own house as well).
It means I can just get on with all the things I have to do for work that day, which is incredible. Housework was always such a struggle when I was M. My XH did **nothing**. I would ask his repeatedly to help me, ask him to do specific things, but he would only ever do them very occasionally. I actually felt like I was running a hotel.
I would tell him how it made me feel, and tell him that it felt like his time was somehow more valuable than mine. But nothing changed.
Anyway, back to my new life. I feel like we are companions. He helps me with things, and for the first time in my life, I know that I am turning to someone to ask for help and to let myself be helped too. This is an exciting, joyous, and beautiful journey of discovery, both of our selves and of each other. I'm staying on it.
Anyway, back to my new life. I feel like we are companions. He helps me with things, and for the first time in my life, I know that I am turning to someone to ask for help and to let myself be helped too. This is an exciting, joyous, and beautiful journey of discovery, both of our selves and of each other. I'm staying on it.
Anyway, back to my new life. I feel like we are companions. He helps me with things, and for the first time in my life, I know that I am turning to someone to ask for help and to let myself be helped too. This is an exciting, joyous, and beautiful journey of discovery, both of our selves and of each other. I'm staying on it.
focus22,
You're an inspiration!
She is channelling her inner Doodler.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
