Newbie In Need Of Guidance #2

[rminer]

Have you gotten the calendar out and planned some activities with the two youngest kids?

Yes. The youngest two and I have a standing “date night” every week. It may just be stay home and watch movies, go to dinner, bowling or whatever they want. Both want to learn to shoot bows, so our next “date” is going to the Archery range.

You say some of that work was for you........okay, if you say so.

The things I’ve been doing around the house are things I’ve been wanting to do for a long time but never have – start working out again, reading some books that I’ve never picked up and getting my workshop set up so I can restart a hobby I had when I was younger.

But yes, I have been working on the house too.

But can you tell me just one thing you did for fun, since the last time you posted?

Without the kids away from the house? Ummmm…

No, it doesn't sound irrational, but it concerns me. Wasn't it you that told me that your personal world had been pretty much narrowed down to your W and kids? If most of your friends live out of state, and you aren't out GAL......where do you get a sense of commrodery, except for your children?

Yes, that was me, and you are right.

Perhaps you feel a threat of losing them whenever you see fun interaction with their mother. ((hugs))

You nailed it, and that is why I say it is irrational. I know I won’t lose them, but it feels like I will. They have always been closer to their mom for obvious reasons, so when I became the “preferred” parent, it felt good. They need that relationship with my W though, so it’s bittersweet.

...and for the other women, they simply don't know how to tell their thick-headed H's...... in a way he can get it. Hey, that's what LBH's claim.......that their W didn't tell him in a way he could understand.

That’s exactly what happened here. I know now she had been trying to tell me, but I just didn’t get it.

The last real R talk we had was before S8 was born, so probably about ten years ago. Since then she had been telling me how wonderful I was and how lucky she was. The last time she did this was less than a week before the switch was flipped, so I was completely blindsided.

I guess I was just hearing the positives I wanted to hear and not the rest of what she was saying.

Just don't get too relaxed, and think everything is fine. However, this update is encouraging to hear.

While I am happy with the changes, I am being very cautious and not getting my hopes up. I know it could all be back to the way it was in a heartbeat.

Okay........I think. (lol). You kind of lost me there on the end.

I meant that my validation technique wasn’t very good at times. Some of the things I validated I also told her she was doing. How it resulted in changes I’m not sure.

As you've previously explained, you spent every spare minute working on something. If your W has felt neglected, not heard, not validated, and you didn't show her attentivness, then I think this her way of trying to tell you. A woman is like a flower. If you don't tend to her emotional needs, she'll turn ugly and die. I think you focused on working too much, and you started tuning out the things you considered as unimportant. One of worst habits a H can do is not listening to his W. It is so rude! Whether or not it's important to you......it was to her, and she is trying to connect to her H. If he won't listen to unimportant things, why would she want to share that which is intimate and personal with him? Having a H who doesn't hear her, destroys a woman's sense of value! It's the beginning of making her feel unappreciated, unimportant, and unloved by her H.

So, hopefully, you are improving in those areas^^^^^^^^.

I am trying, but she is making it very, very difficult. She has been pushing away everything and as soon as I think she is starting to let me in, she slams the door again. It is very hard to tell if it is doing any good sometimes.

She wants you to show her she is still that special girl that has your heart. She wants you to do some action that simply says you care.........like cleaning up the dog mess. Listen, I think she wants and needs just the two of you to share in some activity that is not classified as "working". You know......like a few decades ago before all the kids came along?

How do I do this and still follow the 37 Rules? Maybe I should suspend most of them for the time being?

And for crying out loud, stop making her have to ask you to fix her car. I've told you that is a sore spot for women. It makes me angry and you aren't even my H! I'm not saying she should have ordered you to do whatever it was that she wanted........but had she already asked you to do it........like the last time there was a vehicle problem? Okay, I'll move on from that subject.

No, this was brand new and the first time she told me about it. It was just a blown fuse.

Compliment her on the cooking, or how you appreciate having fresh sheets. Compliment how she looks wearing a particular color, your favorite dress that she wears, or something about her appearance. Don't overkill. But just try it and see how she responds.

I have actually been doing this for almost a month now, with the exception of her looks. There have been a lot of “thank yous” for little things and acknowledging when she does something for me. In return she has done the same for me.

Have you noticed any changes about the EA? Is she contacting OM? If she is not contacting OM, then I have several suggestions in how you step up your game. But if you suspect the EA is ongoing, then I'll wait.

Yes I have, but I am 99% sure it is not over. I’m thinking she is just hiding it more or simply doesn’t care if she gets caught – she is leaving her phone unattended a lot more now.

Up until the past two weeks she had been on her phone in the evenings constantly when I am home. She was on Facebook, Netflix, Youtube and texting the OM mainly. Now, she checks Facebook and gets on Youtube some (not as much) and is not texting much at all. I have a feeling she is texting him when I am not home or after I have gone to bed but for some reason not in front of me anymore. It will be very hard to tell until the A is called out. She is the treasurer of the organization they are both in, so they talk about that quite a bit.

It could be that she suspects I know or it could be cooling down. I’m not sure. I stopped checking the text logs because it was just driving me crazy.

It could also be that D14 and S8 have flat out told her that they do not like the OM one bit, so she could just be hiding it from them as well.

I am taking all the improvements with a grain of salt at this point and not getting my hopes up. Just one day at a time…