No affair, no feelings...is there hope?

[44tries]

Throw this in the garbage, because it aint happening. Trust me when I say that she likely communicated similar needs to you in the past and they were blown off. Do you know why this time you are suddenly springing to action? Because SHE is starting to take some action. Because this time, she finally means business. Pushing for this option only invalidates the struggle she has been enduring for years.

Thanks for reinforcing this. I know it isn't happening, at least not right now. But since I'm saying this to you, not her, I wanted to get it out to complete my thoughts and let it go. It's good to be reminded about not invalidating the struggle.

NOTHING is going to be solved in a two week time period. Whats the result after this trip? You go back to how it is now? I dont see the point. Now, if you want to go on this trip for GAL, then go for it!

I agree. I don't have high hopes for this option because it isn't very logical. But, I feel about how you do about all the options. How do I form a new option that allows to remain in the house and compromises with her on her desire for space? You say to let her figure it out. This is what I have been trying and I guess I will continue to field the "thoughts" questions and allow her to be the one to make a definitive plan. But, I also realize it's not possible for her to be the one to leave or she probably would. I guess not my problem?

So she says SHE wants a separation, and your first thought is to go running back to another country. Why is it that YOU are the one that needs to plan all of this? Why cant she find some alternative? (just like with the sleeping arrangement).I just dont understand totally uprooting yourself for 10 months on some chance of 'some spark' or something. I just dont see how a temporary accommodation will do anything. My ex and I had a plan to separate to give space and see how things go and within 2 weeks, she was saying she wanted a divorce. I didnt know about OM then, but that isnt really important.

I just think setting yourself up to 10 months of 'checking in monthly' and you living your life based on her whims is a good long term plan.

You may want to read the threads from BEClem. He moved to his parents house for a '6 month separation' and could never get back in the house. He wrote a lot so I think there are many threads, but it was an interesting trip.

I will try to find his threads. This is good for reinforcing that separation, whether "trial" or not, isn't a good answer. Sometimes this isn't clear since it seems so common. Again, I totally agree with your questions. It sounds like you think I should just stay planted until if and when I'm forced to move?

I just don't want to deny her space, because I do think that she needs it and it seems pretty important in everything I've read. And I understand her hands are fairly tied when her job is here and she isn't even in a position where she could take leave and follow her trip idea for herself right now. I was hoping the separate rooms and leaving her alone and doing my own thing even when she's home is enough. She made a strange comment this morning about how she felt she had to come home and sit if she knew I was here. She said it would be "disrespectful" to go do things without me. I told her she was absolutely free to go and do whatever she wanted and I have no expectations or demands otherwise. I'm not sure if she meant if she hung out with mutual friends and didn't invite me that she felt this would be wrong or what. She is nearly as isolated as me because we are at a fairly remote location where the base is tiny and she doesn't have many friends here either. Anyway, I get it, not my problem.

"Does she have any fear that she might lose you?"
If that answer is no, then what incentive is there for her to turn back to you as a partner? If she knows that she can do or say whatever she wants and youll be there for her, then what negative is there for her to keep going as she wants?

Great question and I see the point. Although, it does seem to run counter to the idea of digging my heels in and not leaving. How can I show her she can lose me while also refusing to leave? The answer I suppose lies in GAL. I hope she doesn't feel "disrespected" when I go to Meetup events without her...


Last note for the day, she asked me to come to her work because she left her medication at home and she had something to give me. I won't deny her medicine so I agreed and she pulled out a gift--something I have wanted for a while and isn't exactly cheap. What the heck?? I don't want her guilt gifts.