Took my lunch hour today to try to sort through things in my head. I am fluctuating between going home and telling her I want D, to getting back up on the horse and trying again. I just don't see how much longer I can continue this. She is still not fully vested in this MR, and as AS pointed out R cannot truly occur until she is.
She is cake eating and living it up. In the meantime I have to wonder what she is doing and who she is doing it with. Admittedly I am in a much better place here than just a month ago. Today I haven't really thought about any of that, and when I have apathy has set in. Any emotion towards it is more sadness that she allowed us to get to the point where I can't trust her anymore.
In my non-MR relationships if you violate my trust you get kicked to the curb. I don't tolerate it in my friendships and in my family relationships. So why should I tolerate it in my MR? Should I? If that is a standard I have for myself and others, why should I not hold to that standard with my W?
I am starting to wonder if she'll ever find it in herself to fully commit to the MR. Which makes me wonder if she ever really was at all. I know she wanted a kid/kids. And that may have been why we ended up together late in our 20s and eventually having our daughter.
She had a messed up childhood, and then her mom made a terrible decision that led to the collapse of their once close relationship. My W may not ever be able to get past any of that. And she doesn't like to discuss any of it with anyone, including me and therapists.
So maybe I should just move on, and forget about it. I think my initial reaction to BD was more a fear of rejection than really being opposed to D. I have thought about D many times over the course of the last 19 years. So maybe that is my answer?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
