I'm really glad to have found this forum. I have so much to process still. So many questions, no good answers. I'm sure my wife isn't having an affair, but she's so fried from working nonstop for 8-9 months now that she's not thinking straight and I've become her whipping boy. Just before Christmas she dropped the separation bomb on me. I was and am still shell shocked but I thought we'd climbed out of it since mid-Jan when she said the fog had lifted, she didn't want to break up and "I don't know who that person was -- I was just going crazy!" From then until this past Sunday (April 1) we'd really reconnected. Tons of sex, lots of date nights, countless "I'm in love with you/were soulmates/etc" and an amazing vacation in Mexico only 10 days ago without kids where it was as if we were on our honeymoon again. Then last week things got really bad at her job and she snapped again saying she needs space and doesn't want to be married. She can't explain it, says nothing is wrong with me, she just wants to be alone. Says she's not ready for divorce but wants to move into our guest room and find a therapist for herself. She doesn't even want to work on our marriage at this point. She told her brother last night that we're likely separating, so it seems we're past the point of no return now. Thanks for listening, I'm a shell of myself, but following the awesome advice of you kind people on here is such a support.
Me: 43 She: 43 Married 14 Together 20 D7 S6 Separation bomb Dec 2017 Reconciled 3 weeks later Jan 2018 Second separation bomb April 2018
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-63, D30,S29
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Welcome Jase and sorry you are here going through this. Read, post and ask questions as there is a wealth of knowledge and experiences here.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
I’m sorry you are here. I heard so many of the exact same words two years ago so let me say first...this is a marathon.
So let me put this out there. I’m going to say there is a pretty good chance your w is at a minimum very attracted to OM and doesn’t know what to do with those feelings. Maybe it’s crossed into EA maybe it’s crossed into PA. You don’t know.
At a minimum she is confused: let’s separate. Let’s stay together. I love you. I don’t want to be married to you. Let’s have lots of sex. Let’s stop sleeping together.
So don’t say it’s past the point of no return. Take care of yourself. Live one day at a time. Don’t think about the future. You have no idea where this road leads. Give w lots of space. Detach. Do the homework.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
What you described sounds a lot like a phenomenon called Hysterical Bonding. While it may not be related to an affair it is usually related to one. I know you don't believe that and I'm a random guy on the internet who is rather jaded and am making assumptions based on limited information.
Therapy for both of you is probably a good idea at this point. I'm surprised that Christie hasn't been by with the contact info for Michelle's team. A number of people (I wasn't one) have found them helpful. Therapy together might not be productive as each of you have to get your heads straight before you can figure things out as a couple.
I would suggest giving her the space that she's asking for. If she's of a certain age menopause can certainly play havoc with a woman's thinking and emotions. Don't suggest that yourself though - I know from painful personal experience how that turned out But she may want to see her MD to just make sure that everything is balanced.
She sounds very wrapped up in her work which I presume is high stress. Perhaps her therapist (not you!) may have some suggestions on how she can better manage the stress.
Good luck
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Thank you so much everyone! It's spring break here so I was out with the kids all day. I'll post more shortly -- I'm very eager to read up on this stuff later and give more of my story. Still in shock, but hoping for some clarity in the weeks and months to come. Bless you all!
Me: 43 She: 43 Married 14 Together 20 D7 S6 Separation bomb Dec 2017 Reconciled 3 weeks later Jan 2018 Second separation bomb April 2018
Hello again dear friendly people. In laws are staying here so wife's been sleeping in my bed but says she wants to move into guest room when they leave. She's now saying she'd prefer that over the crazy expense of getting a nearby apt. Not sure if that's progress or not. I'm having trouble knowing what specifically I need to do to "detach" and what "boundaries" to set. Last night she came home so defeated by her crazy stressful job and just kept wanting to hug me. At first I didn't want to but then I could tell she really needed it. Then in bed she continued being really touchy but not necessarily in a sexual way. I was so exhausted as I'd barely slept the last two nights so I just went to bed. She said "I love you" a couple times and "I've not given up on us and I don't think I want a divorce," but when I pressed for "what's it mean that you still don't want to be married then?" And she said "I don't know...I'm talking to a therapist at 3pm tomorrow who can hopefully help me." Like I've read several times, I believe none of this and I'll skeptically accept 50% of what she does.. Thank you all again.
ps I guess because I'm new I have to wait a day before my posts show up...kinda frustrating to have any real conversation this way for now. Curious how long this probation period is for.
Me: 43 She: 43 Married 14 Together 20 D7 S6 Separation bomb Dec 2017 Reconciled 3 weeks later Jan 2018 Second separation bomb April 2018
All new posters are on moderation for a very short period of time. Please be patient as I'll be putting in the request today. We generally like to see at least 5 or so postings.
If your w wants to move into the guest room, don't argue the point...just let her do it. They need space and time to work through their issues and in her mind, she's going back to being a teenager. Did you read the home work posting that I provided to you? If not, please do so. You will find a lot of info that may help you. There is also a detachment thread that will provide some very easy things to help you figure out how to detach lovingly from your situation.
Keep the focus on you. One of the hardest things is accepting that she's no longer the person you fell in love with as she's going back in time. Also, I found it difficult to be patient, but you are on a journey as well. This is not a sprint...but a marathon and you certainly did not break her, therefore you can't fix her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you so much, Job. Very helpful words again. Yes I've begun reading all of the links and will have more time to devote to all of it shortly. This is like taking a college class with all of the ensuing homework, but I love it and find it therapeutic to get some answers and clarity even if I don't like what I hear all the time. It's very cathartic to have an outlet here especially with kind, empathetic people.
ps I appreciate you fast tracking my posting abilities
Me: 43 She: 43 Married 14 Together 20 D7 S6 Separation bomb Dec 2017 Reconciled 3 weeks later Jan 2018 Second separation bomb April 2018
But she may want to see her MD to just make sure that everything is balanced.