Scenario 1: This is my ideal scenario and one that is essentially already ruled out because it doesn't seem to be what she wants, but I'm going to flesh it out anyway. I wish we could use this bomb drop as a true wake up call that our marriage is in critical condition. I wish she had said, "Look, I've been thinking and the way I am feeling, I don't know that I want you on my next orders or to keep living this life with you. I'm unhappy and it isn't sustainable. If something doesn't change, our marriage is going to end." She didn't say this, she basically told me she had been thinking and made the decision to give up on her own. I would never blame her for the way she feels because I know she can't help it, but there is part of me that thinks the approach is unfair. Blindsiding me after I had thought all our issues were improving, and writing off the chance to use the time we have here to do some 180s together and try things we never tried before, is frustrating. I'm not holding on to this anger, but it's there and I'm getting it out here rather than at her. We committed to coming here together for two years when she got her assignment, I quit my job, and we moved our lives across the globe. The commitment of marriage being lifelong aside, at a minimum we had a very clearly defined two year timeline. [quote] Throw this in the garbage, because it aint happening. Trust me when I say that she likely communicated similar needs to you in the past and they were blown off. Do you know why this time you are suddenly springing to action? Because SHE is starting to take some action. Because this time, she finally means business. Pushing for this option only invalidates the struggle she has been enduring for years.
[quote=44tries]Scenario 2: She mentioned the idea of a trip, and clearly sleeping in separate rooms isn't her idea of real separation. So, I could take a trip for a couple weeks to a nearby country, make some new friends, and allow us both to breathe. It would be a little difficult to put off my schoolwork as I'm getting close to spring finals and in the thick of things. But it's probably possible without causing too much detriment and I would be willing to make it work. Obviously, this is going to cost some money but I think we would both be willing to invest a little in giving each other the space we really need. My hope would be that I come back and she's more open to trying something like Scenario 1. If not, I would have to move to Scenario 3.
NOTHING is going to be solved in a two week time period. Whats the result after this trip? You go back to how it is now? I dont see the point. Now, if you want to go on this trip for GAL, then go for it!
Originally Posted By: 44tries
Scenario 3: I could skip straight here and avoid the cost of the Scenario 2 trip if it wasn't worthwhile (this is something I don't know how to decide because it's up to her and how she feels and I don't think she would even be able to guess). This is a bit more extreme than a local trip. I could pack a couple bags, everything I would need to live minimally for up to a maximum of 10 months, and go stay with family back home in the states. Also an incurred cost for the long flight, but if she doesn't want me under this roof, that's unavoidable. I can stay with them as long as I need and keep putting my head down on my studies and job preparation, while keeping communication lines with her open and we would agree to re-evaluate every few weeks. If she decides the separation has "worked" and she wants to try again, she can ask me to come home. If not, I will be focused on myself and preparation for life apart, and at the end of the 10 months I will come back and help her with separating what's left of our stuff, doing move-out duties, pick up my dog, ship my car etc. All the more "permanent" stuff. By then, I will be ready to apply for jobs in my new field even if they are very entry level, as long as I can support myself while finishing my master's, this is fine. I get a new job, new apartment, my new life begins.
So she says SHE wants a separation, and your first thought is to go running back to another country. Why is it that YOU are the one that needs to plan all of this? Why cant she find some alternative? (just like with the sleeping arrangement).I just dont understand totally uprooting yourself for 10 months on some chance of 'some spark' or something. I just dont see how a temporary accommodation will do anything. My ex and I had a plan to separate to give space and see how things go and within 2 weeks, she was saying she wanted a divorce. I didnt know about OM then, but that isnt really important.
I just think setting yourself up to 10 months of 'checking in monthly' and you living your life based on her whims is a good long term plan.
You may want to read the threads from BEClem. He moved to his parents house for a '6 month separation' and could never get back in the house. He wrote a lot so I think there are many threads, but it was an interesting trip.
Originally Posted By: 44tries
he has explicitly stated she is NOT kicking me out, but at the same time we are in an awkward limbo that can’t be ignored. It is more comfortable for me here and it is my home, but if I'm honest the main reason I don't want to leave is because I (maybe falsely?) think the chances of reconciliation are higher if I'm at least physically present.
Its your home and you are most comfortable there. Why is it your job to go 'live minimally' so she can figure her crap out?
Originally Posted By: 44tries
Now, my issue is how do I go about communicating all of this to her?? She keeps asking for my "thoughts", well those are my thoughts, but it doesn’t feel like I should just show all my cards. I DO NOT want to put pressure on her, as this is clearly a major issue already, but how is there not pressure when there is this timed separation and we're facing a deadline? How is there not pressure if she's knows I'm just waiting/hoping for her to ask me to come home? I can GAL and focus on myself till the cows come home, but this will always remain true at the end of the day. Until she moves from this house to a new country and I have a new job and home, I will be fighting for the marriage.
1) No. Dont show all of your cards.
2) Let her ask for your thoughts... "This is my home, and Im not planning to leave. I will not hold you here, if you would like some time or space away." What more do you need to say?
3) GAL and focusing on you IS SO THAT YOU STOP WAITING ON HER. Like I asked you before, why is she the only one that gets to have that power in this relationship. I think this is a very important question: "Does she have any fear that she might lose you?" If that answer is no, then what incentive is there for her to turn back to you as a partner? If she knows that she can do or say whatever she wants and youll be there for her, then what negative is there for her to keep going as she wants?
