Can I really do this?

[Olya]

I'd recommend taking some sleeping aids. Nothing major - I'm talking something like NyQuil PM. You have to stop thinking about this and obsessing. Maybe do a major house cleaning Friday night and see if that helps you sleep in Saturday morning.

Part of letting go is not letting these things hurt you. I barely slept last week, so, I get where you're coming from. But you have to try. Otherwise, in spite of your best intentions, you will not be able to think or act rationally.

[Dtrmned]

Just looking for advice and guidance.

How do I handle this situation:

Daughter wants to sign up for a new activity. We have been pushing her to become more involved in school. The activity she has finally chosen will cost my wife and I $1000 just for the summer. Kind of put it to my wife that SHE needs to tell our daughter that she can't do this since the impact of us not being able to do this is due to her decision (totally financial). Am i wrong in letting my wife feel the ramifications of her decisions come to roost in this way? I can't make it easy for her and handle everything and I still believe my wife is delusional about how her lifestyle is going to change drastically (and unfortunately my children as well) with regard to her decision.

I don't want to be a jerk, not trying to put it on her as her total responsibility, but trying to get her to realize how this will truly affect everyone.

Am I right or wrong or somewhere in between?

[AnotherStander]

Kind of put it to my wife that SHE needs to tell our daughter that she can't do this since the impact of us not being able to do this is due to her decision (totally financial).

Is it her fault? From your first post:

Our real rough couple of years came with a business failure (no fault of ours, just happened) causing bankruptcy, foreclosure, etc. I fought hard during that time to just keep my family together. I held on too tight, pushed, pressured (everything Michelle says NOT to do), and my wife was in a different place. Her reaction to our catastrophe was to curl up in a ball and shut out the world (including me). So when I pushed, she just pulled farther away.

So your financial woes are due to a business failure, which you state was not the fault of either of you. So why do you want to lay this at her feet now? You sure you're not just trying to punish her because she wants out of the M? "Keep the way home paved and smooth." Read that phrase and tell me what you think you should do to abide by that.

Am i wrong in letting my wife feel the ramifications of her decisions come to roost in this way? I can't make it easy for her and handle everything and I still believe my wife is delusional about how her lifestyle is going to change drastically (and unfortunately my children as well) with regard to her decision.

First if you isolate her and blame her she will interpret that as you being an ass, and it will just reinforce in her mind that leaving you is the right thing to do. Second, she knows things are going to change drastically and it scares her. She is not happy and joyful inside, she is confused and in turmoil. She wants to blame you for all of this. QUIT GIVING HER AMMO TO BLAME YOU. Step back. Give her time and space. ALWAYS respect her even when she doesn't respect you. Conduct yourself with DIGNITY.

Am I right or wrong or somewhere in between?

Read what I wrote above and tell me if you think you're right or wrong. And if you think you're wrong, then describe what you think a better approach would be.

[Dtrmned]

AnotherStander.
I appreciate the input and you weighing in.

First let me say I am not putting our financial collapse in her lap. That was 3 years ago. We have made it through and are on the upswing. My point is that I do not believe she has truly realized how damaging a divorce is to everyone on the financial side. Regardless of how we settle even if split in half, supporting 2 homes reduces everyone's standard of living drastically. I want to do what I have always done, which is to step in, handle the problem and solve it to take care of my family.

I am not trying to be mean or cruel although I'm positive that she will view whatever/however I act presently as bad. I am giving her time and space. I am just trying not to be a doormat, to GAL and ultimate goal of my wife realizing that our marriage is worth it, we come together and move forward!

I am re-reading DR and truly trying to get this. I don't know how to do this correctly and am grateful to those who post and reach out to help. This is life changing no matter how it goes.

I will strive every moment to conduct myself with dignity and honor my wife.

[Dtrmned]

Read your post again.
Thank you.

[TBSakaJ9]

JS - When my W moved out we sat down and agreed on financial terms and a specific amount of money I would give her each month and what bills each of us would pay. During that time she came to me on several occasions asking if I could give her some additional assistance.

I will admit it really made me mad and I had the same feelings you did about not being a doormat, etc. It is hard to balance it all early on. The financial side of things is rarely discussed on the board and it can be difficult to navigate.

Looking back I have no regrets will giving my W assistance. She wanted to move out and I was not going to hold her back from doing so due to financial ramifications. Yes D changes everything financially but if it's going to happen it's going to happen and like AS indicated by not working with her IMO it will hurt you in the long run.

I will be Divorced in 1 week but I do believe that I did nothing wrong in assisting her and it had no impact on my W moving forward and still initiating the D paperwork. I do believe though that because of my actions I helped our D be an amicable one, one in which we both looked out for each others best interests, a D that will cost us only $1000 and a D that has allowed our children to thrive and be happy.

I don't know how it would have turned out if I had tried to hold money over her head and have supported her through the process.

How you conduct yourself when your back is against the wall and your about to lose everything you have ever known is the true sign of a man with character.

Best of luck!!

[AnotherStander]

My point is that I do not believe she has truly realized how damaging a divorce is to everyone on the financial side.

When women decide to leave their marriage it's a huge decision. It completely wrecks them emotionally. They don't -want- to leave, but they feel like the M has gotten so bad, that their H is so out-of-contact with their needs, that it's their last resort to find some semblance of happiness and they have no choice. They know they're setting themselves up for financial hardship, and it scares them. So yes, she realizes how damaging a divorce is. She certainly doesn't want or need you reminding her. Now let's go back and look at your original statement again:

Kind of put it to my wife that SHE needs to tell our daughter that she can't do this since the impact of us not being able to do this is due to her decision (totally financial).

You need to understand she wants out of the M because in her eyes YOU have been a terrible husband. In her eyes you've neglected her physical and emotional needs. You haven't supported her through her illnesses. You've forced her to take this terrible step. In other words, it's all YOUR fault. And now you want to tell her that it's all HER fault and you wash your hands of the whole thing and want to leave her to the mess that "she's made". So how do you think that looks to her? Do you think she'll say to herself "wow he is the spouse only a fool would leave, this is a man of dignity and honor" or is she going to think "yeah isn't that typical, he just wants to blame me and make me do the hard work he doesn't want to."

So drop your desire to show her the hardships she's about to go through. THAT WILL NOT BRING HER BACK. How do you bring her back? Become the spouse only a fool would leave. What would the ultimate husband and father do in this case? In my opinion, he would find a way to pay for that class, not look for excuses not to pay for it to teach his wife a lesson.

[Dtrmned]

Joseph,
So yes, presently the financial side is very difficult for me to navigate. I want to be sure that my family is provided for and all of the bills are paid, etc. I have asked my wife for a few months now to give me an idea of what she wants, what she expects, etc. I've shown her our budget, the bills, etc. When it comes down to it, there is not much left right now. We made it through the Financial crisis and are now back on our feet, but more like back to the starting line or a little ahead of that, but nothing like we were. I will get there. She decided to after she made her decision to open a separate account, filed, then withdrew the petition. When she did that, I moved my check to a separate account as well just to make sure that our monthly bills are taken care of. I have always been the one that pays all of the bills. We still have a joint account, although admittedly there is not much in there as again at the end of the month, there is not much left.

She got some help from her parents when she filed to retain an attorney so I have no idea if they are helping her at all. She is a sahm and has for the last decade had major health issues that she applied for ssi disability (was denied on 3rd appeal in February). NOW, she is getting her resume together and going to find a job. I fully support her doing this as I have always been supportive of her getting her own life outside of the home to enrich her own self-esteem, self-worth, etc. Well...example the week so far. Monday, bad health day. Tuesday, she had decent energy, but the pain made her stay home. Yesterday, she was exhausted, it takes her 2 hours on her heating pad in the morning to work up to taking the kids to school (a 15 minute drive each way). Then she had another bad spell. I got home at 530 after work, got my workout clothes on and went out for a run. Got back 45 min later and she was asleep on our bed for another hour.

How does she believe she is just going to jump out into the workforce and be able to do this with all the issues she is dealing with? As I said, I'm fully supportive of her. I have paid for her schooling for a few professions through the years. She is smart, engaging, intelligent, fun and would be an overall great person to be a part of any organization. BUT , we have the health issues. I'm looking practically at the situation. I pick up and run with whatever needs to be done when the health issues become too much, but how is she going to handle this when we actually separate?

A 40 hr a week job, the kids running from activity to activity, taking care of a home, and dealing with the health issues (most are debilitating and will have to be dealt with for the rest of her life). I don't want her to "settle" and think that she is "stuck" with no way out. In fact, I think that is the way she feels right now and the full impact hit her awhile ago as to her life, what she has done, expectations, etc. The MLC hit and now add in the WAW issue. I know she has a choice. I can't make it for her. This morning I got up, made her coffee (as I have for 21 years and I don't drink coffee), made the kids lunch, gave the kids a hug and gave her a kiss on the cheek and told her to have a good day. This morning, she actually kiss my cheek as well. Not reading anything into that at all.

So here is what I'm thinking:
1. Presently there is not enough monthly income to "split" and adequately provide housing for the 2 households. There is definitely arguable positions on both sides as to what an equitable split would look like.
2. We are locked into a current least until the first part of 2019 so we can't reduce any of those expenses.
3. I don't know if I should push the financial stuff, or let her approach me. Again, I make sure the bills are all paid, groceries are in the fridge, etc.

IF (and unfortunately there isn't) any family here where we lived, I would suggest that she or I go stay there for a little while. I have suggested that she go to one of her parents for a little while and she flatly refused as she said she would not leave her children. I can't leave because I can't afford another place and I have to make sure I work everyday to pay our bills.

Kind of pushed in a corner, love and respect her fully and her examining her life and what she wants to do. Also, just making sure that we, as a family, are taken care of. There is nothing untoward in my behavior, so I appreciate all of your comments and look forward to more. Again, this is a slippery and sloppy ride that I don't want to be on so any thoughts and guidance is appreciated. I don't want to make the same mistakes (or new ones) that I did at first which only resulted in pushing her away. I want to be sure that within reason I am there for her every step of the way. We will always be in each other's live in some way for the rest of our lives.

[TBSakaJ9]

How does she believe she is just going to jump out into the workforce and be able to do this with all the issues she is dealing with?

Unfortunately that is her situation to figure out but I would say this. Assume you are D what would change financially for the both of you? What would you have to do to make it happen financially? What would you have to sell?

When my W told me she wanted to move out we both had to make financial sacrifices to make it happen. For example, we had a $900 a month car payment on one of our vehicles. I sold it and got something cheaper for $650/mth. I was putting in roughly 15% each paycheck into my 401k. I had to reduce that to zero.

My point is that if you get a D then you will be forced to make it happen. My philosophy when my W approached me to move out was to set her free and if you want to go let's sit down and find out how we can make that happen. I wasn't going to hang finances over her head.

I am not advocating that you push her in either direction but if your D was going to be final tomorrow so how you would figure out a way to make it work.

[sandi2]

We have been pushing her to become more involved in school. The activity she has finally chosen will cost my wife and I $1000 just for the summer.

In hindsight, you probably can see how a select group of affordable activities should have been presented to your D.

Perhaps I've missed something, but if your W did not influence D to choose this expensive activity and neither of you gave the child financial guidelines........I don't think it would be fair for you to dump this on your W to tell D the expenses can't be covered.

If your W had shut you completely out of this entire situation, then yes, she would be the one to address the D. However, since both of you "push" your D to choose.......you should approach your D as a team.