No affair, no feelings...is there hope?

[44tries]

So, after the conversation from the update I posted above, I’ve been taking a step back and doing some more thinking. I'm trying to truly lay out my options and answer the logistical questions for myself 1. because they need to be answered and 2. because clearly it's an elephant in the room and she needs some answers too. She asked if I had thought about taking a trip. Or staying with family. These are two VERY different things in mind, but maybe not as much as I think. I'm going to get my personal thoughts "on paper" here and lay out my three possible scenarios for the next ten months (remember this is the built in timeline because it's how much time we have left living here at this location).

Scenario 1: This is my ideal scenario and one that is essentially already ruled out because it doesn't seem to be what she wants, but I'm going to flesh it out anyway. I wish we could use this bomb drop as a true wake up call that our marriage is in critical condition. I wish she had said, "Look, I've been thinking and the way I am feeling, I don't know that I want you on my next orders or to keep living this life with you. I'm unhappy and it isn't sustainable. If something doesn't change, our marriage is going to end." She didn't say this, she basically told me she had been thinking and made the decision to give up on her own. I would never blame her for the way she feels because I know she can't help it, but there is part of me that thinks the approach is unfair. Blindsiding me after I had thought all our issues were improving, and writing off the chance to use the time we have here to do some 180s together and try things we never tried before, is frustrating. I'm not holding on to this anger, but it's there and I'm getting it out here rather than at her. We committed to coming here together for two years when she got her assignment, I quit my job, and we moved our lives across the globe. The commitment of marriage being lifelong aside, at a minimum we had a very clearly defined two year timeline.

Scenario 2: She mentioned the idea of a trip, and clearly sleeping in separate rooms isn't her idea of real separation. So, I could take a trip for a couple weeks to a nearby country, make some new friends, and allow us both to breathe. It would be a little difficult to put off my schoolwork as I'm getting close to spring finals and in the thick of things. But it's probably possible without causing too much detriment and I would be willing to make it work. Obviously, this is going to cost some money but I think we would both be willing to invest a little in giving each other the space we really need. My hope would be that I come back and she's more open to trying something like Scenario 1. If not, I would have to move to Scenario 3.

Scenario 3: I could skip straight here and avoid the cost of the Scenario 2 trip if it wasn't worthwhile (this is something I don't know how to decide because it's up to her and how she feels and I don't think she would even be able to guess). This is a bit more extreme than a local trip. I could pack a couple bags, everything I would need to live minimally for up to a maximum of 10 months, and go stay with family back home in the states. Also an incurred cost for the long flight, but if she doesn't want me under this roof, that's unavoidable. I can stay with them as long as I need and keep putting my head down on my studies and job preparation, while keeping communication lines with her open and we would agree to re-evaluate every few weeks. If she decides the separation has "worked" and she wants to try again, she can ask me to come home. If not, I will be focused on myself and preparation for life apart, and at the end of the 10 months I will come back and help her with separating what's left of our stuff, doing move-out duties, pick up my dog, ship my car etc. All the more "permanent" stuff. By then, I will be ready to apply for jobs in my new field even if they are very entry level, as long as I can support myself while finishing my master's, this is fine. I get a new job, new apartment, my new life begins.

I am okay with the fact that the next ten months probably won't be much fun and will be a lot of hard work. I know I will come out a stronger person, whatever happens, and be prepared to close the chapter of my life that involved her and not look back. I won't give up hope until then, but at least I have a definitive timeline for how long I will hang on. I agree with her that trying to do all this under the same roof IF she isn't open to doing any work on our marriage, is probably not healthy. She has explicitly stated she is NOT kicking me out, but at the same time we are in an awkward limbo that can’t be ignored. It is more comfortable for me here and it is my home, but if I'm honest the main reason I don't want to leave is because I (maybe falsely?) think the chances of reconciliation are higher if I'm at least physically present.

Now, my issue is how do I go about communicating all of this to her?? She keeps asking for my "thoughts", well those are my thoughts, but it doesn’t feel like I should just show all my cards. I DO NOT want to put pressure on her, as this is clearly a major issue already, but how is there not pressure when there is this timed separation and we're facing a deadline? How is there not pressure if she's knows I'm just waiting/hoping for her to ask me to come home? I can GAL and focus on myself till the cows come home, but this will always remain true at the end of the day. Until she moves from this house to a new country and I have a new job and home, I will be fighting for the marriage.

That was long and if anyone actually took the time to read it, thank you. Truly. I’m hoping for third party input before making any decisions or talking to her about anything.