No affair, no feelings...is there hope?

[44tries]

Update:

Whew, sitting down and writing this minutes after conversation between W and I, ended because she had to leave for work. She initiated the talk by asking again if I had any more thoughts. I could tell this time she definitely meant about logistics, leaving, etc. I know I don't have a good answer for this, because deep down the fact is that I don't want to. On top of the fact that it's going to be a difficult mess without easy answers even if I did want to. I told her I am doing what I need to prepare myself, but valued her input as well. She said she was worried we would just live together for the next ten months tip-toeing around each other. Or falling back into our old, unhappy ways. Valid.

The good news is, I feel like despite everything she said, she gave me hope. She did not completely close the door. I tried to follow Amoafwl's line "I don't think a definitive decision to divorce/separate is the answer, but I respect your decision if it's what you feel is best."

Somehow we started getting on a little tangent about how she feels pressured and pushed by me to do things I want and not her. My rational arguments make her second guess herself. Because I have been so pushy in the past, she feels she can't trust me when I say make the decision for yourself, I am completely okay with whatever you choose. She said it's bad for someone with her personality, there is no way to relieve that pressure. I started trying to offer answers, but stopped myself. Don't want to get ahead of myself, but it's also extremely difficult to shake that desperate feeling to show her it can be different.

She ended by saying we are past that now, right now at this moment she is not in the place to think that way. She made her decision and she needs to try separation. Honestly, I just feel joy and relief that she left it open that she might feel like trying again in the future. Now, I just don't want to screw up and close that little crack in the door. I hope I didn't already, she seemed a little bit frustrated when she left. I feel paralyzed and like any step I take could be a land mine. I DO respect her choice and am willing to give her true separation. But it seems she doesn't feel that living together meets that criteria, but doesn't have an answer to what will.

Last night, I felt I could almost reach out and touch her internal struggle with everything. She has been playing sad music, lingering around looking at me with puppy dog eyes. For the first time, I feel sure that my hope is not just delusional, wishful thinking. But it's hanging by a thread and that totally freaks me out.

Any advice appreciated.