That REALLY escalated fast. (Hoosjim's 14th)

[sandi2]

I don't recall being ticked at you. Then again it was a rough week. I might have said in my "manifesto" that "this is who I am and that's not changing" or something like that. IDK. Anyway, sorry if I barked too much. I'll go back when I get a sec and read through the thread and see if there is something I can clarify. Otherwise, please accept my apology.

No.......please do not go back and rehash all of that stuff again. You do too much rehashing, as it is. I'm concerned people will begin to skim over your posts b/c of too backtracking. ((hugs)). I don't need it, and neither do you. Just leave it be.

I feel better after hearing how Jessica guided the sessions. Supporting you about BFF and all the other issues, let your W see that it's not coming from a paranoid H.

Since the two of had sex and your W enjoyed how you were assertive.......I really hope this broke the ice about waiting on one another to make the first move in the bedroom.

Also, obviously the rest of the "Acting married" part, including "girls weekends" and the after-work "wine downs". (I'm not going to budge on that one, though I expect push back since her work GF, the Christian one, also attends these sometimes and seems to think they are okay-- she is the one that herself was the victim of infidelity so she should know the risks, smh.

Just b/c the younger friend attends the wine downs sometimes .......cannot be indicative of your W's or Doc' behavior & motives. It's not so much of what actually takes place during those wine downs, but it makes your W and the Doc more familiar and comfortable with each other.....and what that can lead to......texting, etc. They were already, according to your W, discussing family & marriage. It's not a big leap from there into more personal matters. My concern is that you have a tendency to make exceptions or excuses. Which leads me to another concern I have.

I hope you won't look at who has the most leverage. In the past, I could almost see it defeating you when you would take that mental approach. In fact, I often felt you tried to compromise your feelings/thoughts b/c you felt helpless about your W's behavior.

The bottom line is that you (and the counselor) have laid out these stipulations that your W will choose to meet or ignore. Neither of you can retreat to old habits. That includes you trying to explain away some things you feel in your gut could turn into problems. IMHO, you have all the leverage.......as long as she knows you will not buy into her b.s., and as long you know you will not hesitate to leave if she's not doing what you need in building a healthy relationship. Giving too much credit toward the GF attending the wine downs.....is an example of what I'm saying. If you don't like it, then tell her! Why should you sit back and eat sh't sandwiches and try to convince yourself it's all probably innocent? Why should you be subjected into playing those silly games on the phone while she's in the wine downs? To me, it's as if the spouses are the target of some inside joke. If the GF is there carring on a phone conversation with one of the spouses...........it just makes them appear more guilty, IMHO. Maybe it's just me, but I would feel a bit degraded and highly suspicious for a co-worker to call me and try assure me.......or keep me busy.......while my spouse was in a wine down. Anyway, I've pretty much told you all of that, previously.

This is the time to get it all out on the table. If your counselor thinks you are going too far, I'm sure she will tell you.

I think your W will be the model example for a while. Currently, she appears to be willing. I don't know for how long. Look for any signs of back peddling. If she starts feeling you aren't going anywhere......she'll start getting careless again...........unless, she makes great headway in IC, which I am praying that she does. I think she needs the accountability in IC every week, even if it can't be face to face......just making that contact with Jessica, without you, may help a lot.

There is one more thing I want to say about her interactions with OM. I find it hard to understand why he would have been so persistent in chasing your W........considering you had confronted him........if he didn't believe he was getting signals from her. All she had to do was tell him she regretted her behavior, that she loves her H and will not cheat again. But, she didn't. She may have played some kind of cat & mouse game, but he was getting incentive somewhere. Why wouldn't a man give up if he thought it was hopeless?

I wished she would have contacted OM while she was in front of Jessica (if she just couldn't do it in front of you). The whole thing about not wanting the contact made over electronic devices........b/c of what he may do toward her son and all that stuff......I don't know why Jessica bought into it. Maybe she didn't. If your W didn't have the gumption to tell OM, previously, why would she not need a little support when contacting him this time around? IDK, but some of the things she said, just sounded flimsy.


In all fairness to her, I was hesitate and way too soft when I told my OM. My mentor let me know I was leaving the back door open for the OM. I deleted everything, never looked back to see if he had tried to use my old email account. I was a little nervous, b/c by then I read about several scary situations involving affair partners. I was nervous for a time that he would show up at my workplace and try to embarrass me..... although he did not live in my local area, he knew where I worked. He did call me at work. I felt flustered at first, but that time around, I let him know without any doubt that there would be nothing else between us. I never heard from him again......thank God!

Anyway, she needs a plan in how to respond if he does call her at work.....or should he just show up at her office. She cannot make the mistake in thinking she can remain to be on friendly terms, or any of that "friend" stuff. If she's afraid of what he might tell her sons.......then why not just tell them that OM has caused some trouble and not to go anywhere around him or listen to anything he has to say. Whatever..... I would refer to your counselor's advice about it.

She also needs support in how to go about telling BFF. If she says something like, "My H wants me to stop hanging around you", then you know how that will turn. So again, I hope Jessica will supply your W with a model letter or some type of example of how to break ties with BFF.

I think when she comes down from this emotional state, it's going to hit her with exhaustion........and maybe you, as well. The old saying of Rome wasn't built in a day, comes to mind. We seem to be our weakest when we are exhausted emotionally.

I will be anxious to hear what Jessica does tonight.

((hugs))