Today, I am angry. I think it's because I didn't work out yesterday. I need to hit the gym HARD tonight to work off the anger. And it's because I can't get the idea of an A out of my mind. I am angry at him for an A even if he hasn't had one. I am angry at him for putting me through this. I am angry at him for how much energy detachment, not pursuing, and following S's rules is and how exhausting it can be. I am angry at myself for having pursued for so long and how pathetic I let myself become (and how little self respect I have for myself sometimes). I am angry that I allowed myself to be in this situation.

Not pursuing is challenging today. I want to show him or communicate to him that I love him. Not baby him. Not provide for him or make things easy. But that I care... that I love him. I can be strong, but this is a challenge today.

How do I respond if he says "I love you" or "I miss you?" What is the "rule" for that? If I were honest, I'd say "you too." I do love him. I do miss him, even though he hasn't even moved out yet. Withholding it seems... too cold. Too dishonest. Saying it back feels right. But is it pursuit?

GAL Goals (I know they aren't perfect... they will probably evolve):

- I will continue to lose weight; every month, my weight should be down from the previous month until I am in a healthy BMI. (Measurement: each month, check to be sure I weigh less than the previous month. I prefer overall progress to a concrete number).
- I will workout for at least 45 minutes at least three times a week, with walks on at least three of the off-days. (Measurement: my smartwatch keeps track of this)
- I will spend time with friends or doing social things outside of work at least three times a week (Measurement: my calendar will enable me to check this.)
- I will meditate at least three times a week. (Measurement: put this in my calendar when I do it)

- I will create an article for publication in my field by September 2018. (Deliverable: article)
- I will reach out to potential co-presenters for a call for proposals for a January 2019 conference by the end of next week (4/13) and submit the proposal by May 10. (Deliverable: submitted proposal)
- I will create an annotated bibliography and literature review for a potential doctoral program/dissertation by September 2018. (Deliverable: literature review and bibliography)
- I will find a productive way to spend my professional development funding by the end of April and go for it. (Deliverable: spend professional development money)
- I will research or try two new hobbies or ideas for creative outlets by the end of May. (Deliverable: keep track of this on calendar)

- Once I reach a healthy weight, I will revamp my wardrobe, spending more money on things than I usually do. I will look into finding a personal stylist to help with my image. (Measurement - wardrobe)
- Once I am alone in the house, I will pay for a deep cleaning, then keep my house at the level where it will take less than 30 minutes for the house to be presentable enough to have someone over. (Measurement - tricky!)
- Once I have a sense on where my finances are alone and not with H, I will plan a trip to somewhere new or exciting, either by myself or with friends. (Measurement - fun trip completed!)