Gordie #18: still not divorced

[Gordie]

cali: That's the million dollar question and I will be honest I am not the person to answer this one as I still struggle with this. Sure time heals all but the impact all this has had still leaves a scar. I think the trick is to accept what has happened really happened.

G: yes. I think that’s why not addressing it is hurting me right now. She really did all those things. It was real.

Cali: The hurdle is this is one sided, you must deal with this without much help from her. Allow yourself to have those moments of anger and be done with it, understand this will cycle and come back but in much smaller and easier to handle waves ... do not expect (you know what we say about expectations) for your spouse to hold your hand with this ... remember they have a full bowl of delicious MLC gruel to eat for themselves.

G: right again. I want us to talk through things and for her participation in helping me to heal and recover. But right now, she can’t do that and my hope and expectation that she will or should is only hurting me.

Cali: I did similar, we were together for about a year and the big thing that changed was I went from 100 to zero in the sex department, I really did not pursue her nor it ... partly because of the STD she contracted but mostly because of the damage the betrayal caused.

G: I have been wanting sex but not pursuing it because our current ground rules are we aren’t ready to sleep together or have sex yet. I do wonder when will be the right time to bring that up again. I do fear she has lost sexual attraction to me and she has never been the initiator so have no idea how that aspect of our R gets rebuilt. I’ve been focusing on very small, non sexual touches and mirroring what she is comfortable offering me. But they are scraps. At least I don’t have cooties anymore.

Cali: Truth is looking back she was not showing me the certain signs I was looking for, not jumping through the predetermined hurdles I had tactfully set up for her ... see where this is going? Expectations .... In my head there was a gauntlet of things she needed to do to prove her love and make up for all the damage she had done and there was no way I was letting her out of the dog house till I was satisfied.

G: so I think that’s where I was in February but that wasn’t helping me. But I don’t know where I am now. Maybe there are days when I am still there. Other days, I have my own temptations to sweep things under the rug and pretend nothing happened.

cali: ask yourself .... is the punishment more important than your need for it.
Gordie, you just may not be ready to forgive her and thats acceptable, but until you are ready focus less on how she can make it up to you and more on how you can arrive to a place of allowing her to. In time maybe she will do this but she has some work to do and is currently still not wanting to be judged,

G: absolutely. How can I allow her to a place where forgiveness is freely given and received with no expectations? And she certainly does not want to be judged. It’s making it really hard for her to reconnect to kids and friends.

Cali: she is trying this married thing on and trying to see how it fits .... just like that ring she is wearing, its familiar but still strange after all this has happened. My advice ... if you want to be married conduct yourself as such, are you not wearing the ring as a form of punishment or you are not sure? Its the push pull dance and at best its Passive/Aggressive ... I know because I danced that dance too .... in some ways I still do but I notice it so much faster now.

G: wow. If I want to be married, act like it? Put that ring back on? Is my discomfort with putting it back on a form of punishment? Not consciously but maybe unconsciously. For me, I think one of my hurdles is sex. If she’s not willing to sleep with me and have sex with me, then isn’t this just a big, fake marriage and why signify that with a ring?

Cali: Keep working and looking inward you have come a long way, and there is still more to go.

G: thanks brother for taking the time to be so insightful and pushing me along. Wow. Lots to chew on.