1. GAL - I'll think about this and work on some more measurable goals. I haven't had the chance to think about what might be realistic, but will do so by the weekend. So, I guess my first GAL is to have a few in the format you all suggest by the end of the weekend.
2. Infidelity vs. A. -- I understand the point AS is making, and it's something I've given a lot of thought to. In many ways, H's willingness to walk away and to leave rather than to communicate and fix things as they are happening, as well as our possible fundamental difference in what constitutes a MR is one of the hardest parts of this process. I take our vows seriously. I don't think a MR is something you do until it gets hard and then you leave it -- to me, a D is the absolute worst-case, last-case scenario. H has, in essence, already practiced infidelity by being wiling to walk away. This is a pain and a situation that will take time to heal and I also need to see real change towards this approach if we are able to recon.
That being said, I am not convinced there is a physical or emotional affair with someone else happening. And -- as I said, and as I worked out with my IC yesterday... I want us to reconcile. I cannot know for sure if he is having an A -- he won't admit it if he is, and no low-hanging fruit is there to show me he is. I can either turn into someone I have no desire to become and snoop (which I don't want because it's not who I am). Or I can say honestly "sure, the possibility exists. But in this situation, he has said it is not the case, I do not have any proof that he is, and so I choose to operate under the assumption that he is not cheating." To me, this is important because the damage I would do to us if I assumed the opposite and he wasn't cheating is pretty bad. I don't want to let him turn me into a snooper. It's not worth it.
So -- I am continuing to operate under the assumption that he is not cheating, with the caveat that it could be happening...
I feel like this will frustrate some of you. Sorry. It's my process. I have to do it my way, in a way that feels authentic to myself. Right now, this is how I can do that. Feel free to call me naive. I'd rather be naive than turn into someone I don't want to be. My values are that I am not someone who snoops. I'm not letting this situation change that.
3. Detachment and Sandi's rules (not pursuing) are incredible. INCREDIBLE. Yesterday, I sent him a text from work just letting him know my plans (walking the dog; girls' night). He said "I'll walk the dog with you."
I came home, and he sort of prevaricated around going on the walk. I told him if he didn't want to come, he didn't have to, so he stayed home. He kept saying "I'll come. No, I'm tired. No, I'll go with you." I told him it was up to him, but that he didn't feel like he should have to go (so he didn't). He did come up to me and give me a large, warm, good/sincere hug (usually I initiate these).
When I got back from the walk, he and I talked a bit (he initiated it). He said he was second-guessing his decision to leave since things had been going so well lately. He said the idea of shopping for furniture for his new place didn't seem fun anymore since it had only been fun in the past when we did it together. He said that last night, he had a dream that on the day he moved out, I was already out on a date with someone else. He was sad, lost, torn.
It took every ounce of my willpower NOT to say "then stay home!" But I didn't. Not because of the "rules" but because I know if he stays without time, change, healing, processing, and work... we'll be stuck in the same cycle. I deserve to be free from that cycle.
Instead, I said: - Well, you know I don't think this is the best decision, but it's what you say you need so I respect that. - Don't let my wellbeing stress you out. I'll be fine. - I know I had considered helping you shop for furniture, but since you need the space and distance, I think it makes sense for me not to be a part of that process. If you need space, the last thing you need is to think of us every time you see your furniture. - I told him I can't read his mind, and that I can't tell him what to do. If he feels like he needs the space, then he needs it. I told him that he is the only one who can make those decisions, and that I'd respect them. - I validated his feelings when he said he was stressed out and couldn't sleep. "You are making a big change to the unknown. Of course it is stressful. It's normal for it to be stressful."
I feel like he was wanting me to tell him to stay. But I didn't. And that was all genuine.
I left for my girls' night and asked him if he'd mind starting the dishwasher when he left for work. When I came home and saw he'd done it, I sent a quick "thanks for starting the washer" text.
He responded. "You're welcome. I'm glad I remembered. I miss you."
This morning, when he came home from work and I was still asleep, he cuddled me and stroked my hair in bed as I was waking up.
But, even more important than all this is that I actually feel self-respect around this now. I feel powerful in that I have agency. I honestly feel like this is the only approach that respects us both. It respects his need for space, and it respects myself as a valued, worthy, strong woman who will be okay regardless of what happens; I am a woman who doesn't need to be with someone who doesn't love and commit to me fully. And all this can exist simultaneously with the hope of a healthy and productive recon.
So-- yeah. Despite all the "he is cheating" stuff (that may push me away from this site), it's been a relatively good few days.
