No affair, no feelings...is there hope?

[Olya]

So, about the bed situation. She came in the room tonight to plug her stuff in and briefly checked her pillow for dog hair (daily struggles lol), I almost thought she was going to get in the bed. She kind of sulked to the closet and I could tell she wasn't too happy about sleeping in the spare room for a third night in a row. I fought the urge to try and accommodate, and she left mumbling she was fine. Two seconds later, she is back saying I don't have to but could I please wash one of her blankets tomorrow because she is cold in there. This is a perfect example of a situation that makes me squirm.

So, this looks like progress to me. At the very least, your wife is starting to realize that her decision will come with unpleasant consequences. Don't get me wrong, she may still go through the divorce. However, she is getting a better idea that it will not be a no-lose proposition for her.

From my own situation (since I'm on round 2 at this point), let me caution you that words are also actions. Talking is an act. We can choose to do it or not do it. Why do I tell you this? Because while saying "I'll help around the house more" means a lot less than getting off the couch and taking out the trash, saying "I've made a mistake and I want us to work on this marriage" means just as much if not more than attempting to hold hands or going back to sleeping in the same bed.

Do not push her away. Do not pressure her. Do not expect those words to come any time soon. However, by the same token, do not let your guard down and think that everything is fine until she is willing to say something along those lines to you. Unprompted. You cannot force this and you cannot demand this.

Since we talked today about how I supported the idea of sleeping separately, it feels disingenuine to also want her back in the bed. If she were to decide to come back, even if just for comfort reasons, is that still a win for me? Or only if it comes with an actual change of heart?

Don't look at this in terms of wins or losses. If she decides to come back, I don't see why you should act like you've noticed. Keep living your life. Keep being cheerful. Do not be mean to her. If she does something really nice, like make dinner, thank her. If all she does is end one of her tantrums, surely you do not have to command her for acting like a big girl.

Change of heart takes time. It will take you being a better person and it will take her realizing that grass isn't always greener on the other side. Both have to be genuine.