Gordie........you hit the nail on the head!!! H is totally a conflict avoider, and his love language is "acts of service." I can remember a conversation we had years before BD about his wanting to do things for me and my response was "I don't NEED you do do that for me" and he would say "I know you don't NEED me to do it for you but I WANT to do it for you." That is a difficult thing for me to do......allow him to help me. I am slowly seeing that this is how he shows how he cares for me.
I did not get married until I was 38 years old (my first marriage). I was educated, had a good job, made good money and was financially secure when I met my H. NOW.....all of a sudden, after all these years of doing everything for myself, I am supposed to LET someone do things for me........this was/is a very foreign concept for me.
H would ask me if I needed help, or could he bring me dinner at work, or help me carry groceries in or things of that nature and my first response was "nope, I'm good. " So I know that after a while he stopped asking or doing. So, when he found someone (OW) who was "so helpless" he latched onto her quick.
I have stopped initiating any kind of R talks with him. I just don't have it in me to do it anymore. Now, is this something that will pass......not sure.
Ciluzen........thank you so much for everything you said.
I googled "bids for affection" and it totally made sense. I have read several articles by John Gottman, and I like his approach to marital issues. Before BD, H and I were actually seeing an MC. She was a Gottman trained therapist. I really liked her, and thought she was slowly helping us with our issues. Little did we (myself or her) know that H was cheating at that time and was not being honest during our sessions.
I agree that H is making efforts to make himself better. I will honestly say that I am not a fan of the method he has chosen (Landmark) but like I have mentioned before, it is better then him not trying at all.
I totally agree with you about H needing positive attention from women because it makes him feel wanted or masculine. I am fiercely independent, and I am certain that comes across very clear in my interactions with H. And, my job requires me to make life saving decisions, and without hesitation, so many of my decisions at home are made without hesitation or input from H....... and there is no doubt that is intimidating to him. And, not to mention, doesn't make him feel like he is valued.
He has said that he has guilt, but it doesn't have as much of an impact on things like it used to. That was hard for me to hear, On one hand I don't want him to live his life with guilt controlling his life or choices, but I also don't want him to ever forget what he did to me and our M.
I know I still have anger about what he did, and I'm sure there is a part of me that doesn't want to let that go because then it is like he gets a pass for what he did, but....I am working on letting that go daily. I don't raise my voice, or have rage anymore when he says something that upsets me.......I just don't have it in me to be that way anymore.
I used to bring up the A to try and punish him, but I saw that it really didn't help things. Now if we are talking about things sometimes one of us will bring it up, but it is not done in a way to bring up hurtful memories, although it still does for me.
I know he is still a work in progress. There are days that I am so ready to give up on all of this because I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again. And, sometimes I feel like why does he even deserve to be given a second chance.
