I like the Artista's idea of writing the post cards!!!
As for His Needs/Her Needs - it is insightful AND can help you fill in the blanks.
FYI - My H had 2 PA's and at least 1 EA in his previous marriage. He was very unhappy in that union and really only stayed in the M because he didn't want to be a part time time and his W didn't want to end things.
My H moved in with me he had a few books he brought with him. One of which was His Needs/Her Needs. He had never read the book but had the books as per recommended by this therapist at the time. I read the book. We were only living together at the time. I found it interesting and when I finished it my now H read it. It was a good foundation for our M as you bet I had concerns about M with a man with previous A's under his belt.
You mention you feel OW is filling more than one need but I argue that based on what you wrote. I think the need she meets is being open and talking... when you do that enough over time it can and does lead to sex and A's. But, as you already mentioned she doesn't deal with the day to day living with him.... (he is still doing all that with you silly!!!) So you are right. When the A starts to have to shoulder real life, that's when it fizzles out.
The book will help you put it all in a series that will make sense to you AND help you see that you need to 100% stop filling up these other needs. Right now your H is living in hog heaven with OW and then having you too.
I think you need to be careful of sharing too many of your feelings with your H. That may not be the best 180. I think you need to give yourself the cloud of mystery. Let his calls go to voicemail. If its not an emergency text him later that you were busy... could he text what he needed?
Meg, he knows you want the M. He needs to get to the point where he sees you are not waiting to be plan B. He asked how you were doing because he is not a complete butthead - he does care but he also doesn't want to feel guilty.
Until you are ready to detach further and put him on the backburner a bit I don't see the two of you making progress.
