Thank you all for the support. I got through H’s 24 hour visit, just kept picturing everyone’s words in my head.
Let me just start by saying that s19 FINALLY got his truck out of the snow! After 6 weeks! OMG!!!! It was stuck at 8000 feet, literally BURIED under 6 feet of snow. I don’t know how the 559 Recovery guys even knew the snow mound was a truck. But many thanks to them. 4 guys, dedicated to help a complete stranger. They didn’t even ask for payment (for 15 hours of hard work), but s19 paid them anyway.
Moving on….
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
DB says "keep the road home paved & smooth" - makes sense. But they mean Don't go telling everyone in your world (and his) about the A or throw it in his face, and do not try to publicly shame your spouse
It’s a good thing I had no expectations for the weekend. He was, for the most part, doing a temp check, even basically admitted that. I let him do most of the talking, didn’t talk about myself. But I did bring up OW. H had absolutely no idea that OW fiancé reached out to me. But he said he figured I knew, because he knows I’m not stupid, and he knows that OW is pretty much why I dropped off Facebook. H did commend me on mentioning her (that is a 180 for me, he knows it).
And the only person I’ve told about the A is my very best girlfriend, who knows H and I both inside and out. She only wants both of us to be mentally healthy, and she does want us to work through issues.
Originally Posted By: BluWave
I sincerely hope you will listen to the posters, even if it doesn't feel natural. There can be such an overwhelming sensation of relief when the waywards starts to come back around, and it can cause us to lose sight of the bigger picture. I am glad however that at the very least he is starting to self reflect and look at some of his own choices. For what it's worth, I don't see how your H is a MNG at all, I just can't see it.
Not sure what MNG is. But H is starting to self-reflect. He told me during our talk that I hit the nail on the head when I told him I think the majority of his issues right now are from childhood, just rearing their ugly head towards our M.
Originally Posted By: BluWave
Those of us that have been reading here awhile, have seen the same patterns in waywards. It is not usual that the S does a sharp 180 and comes back so swiftly, but it can happen. It is far more common for them to waffle around a bit, to go back and forth a couple times, and to further jerk our hearts around, unfortunately. There are less stories like this because in most cases, posters here do not get a chance to reconcile because by the time they come here it is too late. Also, people tend to stop posting at that time. I hope you will continue to post, as your story has a lot others can learn from.
I have a feeling that the back and forth will be coming from before long. H said over and over he loves me, he’s only ever wanted me, I’m his soul mate, etc., but he doesn’t know what he’s doing. His words. My words aren’t as eloquent as many on here (once upon a time they used to be, I used to be a good writer, but stopped writing long ago, now have no idea how to put words, ideas, thoughts, feelings together so others can make sense of them). But I will continue lurking long after my sitch is over (however it ends). I appreciate those on here that stay on to help others.
Originally Posted By: BluWave
The thing is, we cannot control them or their actions. It sounds obvious but it's also hard to accept. A lot of what he's doing could be influenced by his R with OW and that it wasn't the pipe-dream he had been planning on. What you can control tho, is you. You can 180, GAL and focus on being the best Meg there is. Even if he wants to come back today, it is important that you still work on detachment and self-healing from this. Over time he will come to see that and naturally be drawn more towards you. While my 2*4 may have been harsh, and I am sorry for that, I still reserve me position that we teach others how to treat us. I hope you will not allow him to just walk back into your life, home, or bed. Others, even our spouses, lose respect for us when we allow them to walk all over us. I see him as walking all over you, completely selfish and entitled. He got a small taste of something else, or perhaps that he messed up, and then he asks what YOU want? I mean really. He has got to show complete responsibility, remorse, and loyalty to you if he wants you, no?
Funny thing is (not really funny) he said he asked me that question Saturday because he’s selfish and he’s not sure what he’s doing and he’s afraid that I won’t be there in the end and it might be too late by the time he figures things out. His words. I guess we both have to take that chance, the chance that I won’t be there when he does figure out that he wants his M.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
Conway related midlife crisis in some ways to the Kubler Ross cycle. The labelled one phase 'replay' when the jerk wad in it is self obsessed, promiscuous, dirt bag to their families and long suffering spouse. Playing yo-yo with horrible behaviour and nice behaviour. Technically referred to as intermittent reward and manipulation. It's often a long phase in cheeseless tunnels, excusing wayward behaviour. I couldn't help it mi lord, it was my genes, childhood, spouse, hormones, etc that made me behave in a dirt bag way and dip my Nethers in OW. After all her knickers fell off, and I am a man open to offers or her offers were open. I was bored.
Beware the bored wayward, the mischief is endless.
For heavens sake - we all age, we all look in the mirror and see wrinkles, grey hair and a saggy chin. We don't all let our knickers drop or find a strangers hand down our pants. We get over it. No drama, no crisis. The LBS will also have 'issues' living with an unfaithful manipulative spouse might do that. You Think? We sort ourselves, we get IC. We pay the bills, we DB and comfort our children, we hurt too from childhood stuff.
At 40, 50, 60 and beyond waywards still blame their parents or FOO for behaviour? The G was a 59 year old man having a two year old temper tantrum or a teenage sulk. Saying "yes I have issues, but I like having them, accept it". Of course there are some very serious childhood abuse issues that require serious support, sexual abuse, abandonment, physical abuse and so on. That is a given, absolutely requires deep therapy and support. The results of the ACES test reveal the full extent of the damage for those in FOO with 4 or more ACES markers, largelying the end result is depression, poor health and financial failure. Damage can be epigenetic too, in the genes and expressed because of lifestyle or poor choices. There is a saying genes are the gun, environment fires the gun, I would also add lifestyle and personal choice put in the bullets in and the manipulator chooses an easy external target. Then excuses themselves and demands forgiveness.
FOO excuses nothing, at least 23% of the population have an ACES score which would indicate damage. That's one quarter of us have the gun ready to fire, we just don't load it and point it at others.
Beware of lip service from someone highly manipulative.
Manipulative peeps have been gaslighting all their lives, they are supremely skilled at it. As far as resolving 'issues' then they can easily disguise progress and in case you hadn't realised IC and MC make them better manipulators. They hone their skills, cut their teeth on it. They like manipulating. They enjoy it and the target is just a toy, like a new phone which can be discarded when a later model comes along.
I like the fact you are using truth darts on WH re OW and his A.
One day you may turn round and go "Nooooooooo, ewwwwww'.
V
Lingo:
MNG is Mr Nice Guy. FOO is family of origin issues. ACES is adverse childhood experiences score.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Meg I think you handled yourself very very well!!! Give yourself a pat on the back!
You know what you need to do... you need to GAL like crazy. :-) And, if you used to be a good writer then start a journal. Need a kick to get started? Take baby steps - start by writing three things that you are grateful for. You don't have to put a lot in it to start. Often mine equate to about 10 words total. As you get into the groove you'll write more and pretty soon you'll find yourself again.
You don't have to have all the answers right now. Its okay if what YOU want changes from day to day.
You do need to stop being so available to H. Don't be afraid to put him off next time he wants a family visit because you already have plans. Trust me, if and when H really wants to come home he will work at it and not throw his hands in the air and say "but, I wanted to see and talk to you"... if he is sincere then postponing till your available won't be a deal breaker for him.
You are getting stronger!!! I know it may not feel that way when you are being tortured by emotions but it certainly shows in your last post.
from writer to writer, here is a quick writing exercise to get you started... get six postcards and stamps... apply the stamps to the postcards... think if six people to whom you want to send each postcard... address each postcard... now--in five-minutes' time, write a message on each postcard... you get FIVE minutes TOTAL to write out six postcards... as soon as the five minutes are up, drop those postcards in the mail... do it!!!
I need some strength today. I am having a down day, and feel like running to H and begging him to come home. The idea of him with someone else is killing me. I'm trying to stay busy, GAL, but I can't stay focused.
I've been trying to find a local separation/divorce support group to attend, but I live in a mountain area, not much available. There are groups at a few churches in the city, about 35 minutes away, but I'd prefer local. One of my oldest friends told me about Celebration Recovery at her church, she said it's not just for addiction and it might help a little. I'm not really religious, but I think I'll go this Friday. My mind is just not in a good place.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
Finding religion is one of the best GAL activities you can do, IMNSHO. It will give your life meaning and see things that are so much bigger than you MR, D, or even R.
Meg, hang in there. We all have down days. the key is to realize that even if you begged him back home, would that really fix anything? Do you want to be with a H that was browbeat into submission but whose heart isn't really in it?
Begging someone back and them coming back of their own accord are two completely different animals.........
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Down days are going to happen. Its okay to be sad and frustrated. Its okay to get angry that you cannot lean your on H... how dare he take that away!!!!
But, you know that calling and begging him will only instill guilt at best and that is no way to anchor recon.
Now, tell yourself... he came home... he was curious... he is questioning his choices at the moment. Trust me. Not calling him and leaving him in the dark to wonder about you WILL eat at him. He will wonder. They all do.
So what can you do right now for you? Can you go take a quick walk? Can you run down to the coffee store? Can you just go for a drive? Go back and read Sandi's rules? At the very least stand up and do some calming breathing exercises. This moment will pass and when it does you will be grateful you didn't contact H.
Before H confirmed that he was in A, it was easier, I wasn't consumed with thoughts of him with OW. Now that he has confirmed, I can't stop thinking about it.
How do I get those thoughts out of my head? It's killing me. I feel like I've just died another death. No matter what I'm doing, working, GALing, anything, it's there.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
Before H confirmed that he was in A, it was easier, I wasn't consumed with thoughts of him with OW. Now that he has confirmed, I can't stop thinking about it.
How do I get those thoughts out of my head? It's killing me. I feel like I've just died another death. No matter what I'm doing, working, GALing, anything, it's there.
I've been there. It is difficult. The only way I could do it was to get my mind completely off of it. At work, if I was engaged in meetings and discussions about things (I work in IT) then I could get it off my mind for a period of time. When I would go to the shooting range I could focus on what I was doing and get my mind off of it. So I think the answer to your question is to focus on other things.
I also found reading about marital problems and infidelity helped me. I bought a lot of books on Amazon Kindle and read them at a voracious rate. If you are a reader then you might try this approach as well.
I also copy and pasted sandi's rules and other resources here into emails to myself. Then when I was weak I could pull those up and read them to get me through the bad times.
But other times I gave in and snooped on her, or initiated a R discussion. We are all human and falter.
I also spent a lot of time in prayer. But another thing I did was I met a guy online that had been through it. And I confided in him. When I was weak he would talk me down off the ledge. I credit him with a lot of my ability to detach and differentiate.
Hope all of these suggestions help.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My H didn't have an A but his passion about moving on, finding his own place and having his own life without being responsible for anyone was his A.
I was like Steve - I read, read, read. It was a little hard for me as most books were geared to spouse having an A OR there were strong religious overtones, but reading helped me the most. Plus it just kept me busy in general.
The A your H is having hasn't changed. What has changed is your both have admitted out-loud to each other. In my opinion the A is filling a need that the H has... one need. He still has you filling all the others. Right now he has the best of both worlds. I really recommend His Needs/Her Needs How to Affair Proof Your Marriage. It will help you understand why people end up having affairs and why most affairs do not last. That may be what helps you pull yourself through this and detach more.
Stay busy and do your best to put it out of your mind.
