That REALLY escalated fast. (Hoosjim's 14th)

[hoosjim]

That was your comments while the truth of the matter was you knew darn well what you were about to do and knew just as well nearly everyone here would try to talk you out of it.

I don't know how to convince you, but, no, actually I did not know what I was going to do. My counselor had suggested a brief get together on Saturday, and to see if I felt comfortable enough to attend church with the family on Sunday. A lot of old feelings got stirred up seeing W on Saturday, but even then I wasn't sure... I became exasperated/angry with her on two or three occasions late in the encounter, as I believe I mentioned, enough so that I still wasn't sure I could/should show up at Church the next day. What really pushed me over the edge, there, was the message from the pastor at the church I went to Saturday night. I am a man of strong faith, and the coincidences between what my buddy and I had been discussing theologically just prior to the service, the way the pastor's words just seemed to speak to me and my sitch so directly, were what convinced me I needed to go... and to be open to whatever happened.

Now, I have to admit that I got sucked in, carried away, whatever you want to call it, on Sunday, and that it would not have been at all inconsistent with what I thought God was telling me for me to have kept a greater distance Sunday during the day and then again ESPECIALLY Sunday night... and know my MC would agree. While she herself had advocated for some sort of trial contact, with Easter being a likely spot for it, she was pretty adamant about "establishing boundaries" to govern those contacts. She had actually asked us to text her over the weekend to keep her updated so she could help during that very touchy period, but, very unfortunately, she had a family emergency and was herself out of contact until yesterday. So we were on our own.

And I was completely unprepared to handle what W did on Sunday with the flirty/seduction bit. It never even crossed my mind that she would go there and it caught me completely off guard. We did talk later about it, how it didn't change the underlying pain and hurt and the problems we were facing. W's take on it was that "this (the physical intimacy) can help us... it gives us something to keep us connected even while we are going through the hard stuff elsewhere in our MR... I think we should be open to it. Jessica seemed to think reaching out 'in the moment' would be a good thing". I told her I didn't think that this was quite what Jessica had in mind.

Anyhoo, we both have IC tomorrow. And we are going to talk tonight... and I am going to discuss what should have been discussed two nights ago... specifics about what I need to "stay" and to do this. Yes, I am physically attracted to her and yes, I enjoy the physical contact and intimacy, but I still have very, very deep trust and hurt issues that that can't wash away. We can ML every night and it is not going to change the mistrust for her without knowing that she has changed and is doing the work she needs to do... and it is way to early to know that.