So... I had IC today and brought the whole essence of the board and the conversation around an A up with her.
My therapist was incredibly supportive of most of the things on this board I described: detachment, Staci's rules, not pursuing, 180s, etc. She said that she had seen me working towards this on my own over the last few weeks, but that this is all really positive and important.
We talked through the A issue. I am not saying that it is impossible for him to be having an A or EA. It's possible. But I don't know. He won't tell me if he is. I don't have any evidence, and I don't like who I am if I snoop.
So, I am choosing to believe him. My goal is for us to get back together or stay together. If I have to choose between not trusting him because it "sounds like it might be happening" and being wrong... or choosing to trust him but proceeding with caution? I'd prefer the latter. Maybe it's naive. Who knows.
I also feel like if he had an A, it would make things vastly different. I'd be much more likely to not feel the burning to reconcile but likely push for a D. I don't know how I would feel, but it feels so incredibly like a harsh and irreversible betrayal, erosion of trust, and disrespectful action that it would make me be a lot less likely to feel the need to put so much of my heart, body, mind, and soul into DBing. If he crossed that line into a physical affair? Possibly time to cut my losses and let him go. It'd take time for me to feel amicable, and make me feel like recon might not be worth it.
Maybe that's harsh. Maybe I wouldn't actually feel that way. I don't know. But I do think it would change my whole approach. It'd be much, MUCH easier to let go.
