Steve85, I tried reading several articles about differentiation and they were helpful. I don't know if I fully grasp the concept yet because it was described in different ways, but I'll keep reading.
Nicole, one explanation that helped me was this:
In relationships we can be in one of 3 dependent states: dependent/codependent, independent, or interdependent.
Dependence/codependency is unhealthy because it causes us to gain our self-worth and emotional validation from our spouse. This means if they begin to pull away (either through differentiation (healthy) or independence (unhealthy) we panic and freak-out. And try to hold on with all of our might. This causes the spouse to pull even further away. If they were pulling away do to independence then we will push them away into leaving the R. If they were merely differentiating, our actions could push them into independence and beyond.
Independence is when we begin to gain our self-worth and emotional validation at the expense of the MR and spouse. Independence really has no place in a marriage since we agreed to give up independence when we married. Independence can take many forms: emotional and physical absenteeism, affairs, etc. The next step from independence is leaving the MR, IE D.
Interdependence is the healthy state of retaining your individualism, and therefore relying on yourself for emotional stability and validation, but also being fully engaged in a your MR. When both spouses have "differentiated" in this way, they can then be "interdependent". This is the state where 3 entities exist: both individual spouses plus the MR. None of them are independent, but neither are they unhealthily attached (IE give up themselves by being too emotionally dependent on their spouse).
Achieving interdependence requires differentiation! Becoming aware of one's individuality, self-validation and self emotional stability within the bounds of the MR.
The differentiated individual in a MR doesn't overreact to what their spouse says or does. But neither do they stonewall or shutout their spouse based on their spouse's behavior.
Think about how to react on BD. The dependent individual will panic, and beg, plead, and reason with their spouse's bomb. The independent individual won't care at all. The differentiated individual would calmly explain that they disagree with the spouse's proclamation but that they will be okay (note that doesn't mean happy or ecstatic!) regardless of what the spouse decides.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
