Joseph9, I can see how reconciliation often takes place after divorce. It seems like that's the point when both partners finally face the reality of their decision. I imagine the momentum changes because suddenly the one who wanted a divorce so badly got it, and then what? Now that person is free to do what they wish. If they don't have the perfect life they envisioned, or if they start to see their mistakes, perhaps their heart softens and they start to miss their partner or at least want to feel more at peace by reconciling somehow. What do you think will happen with you and your wife after you divorce?
Steve85, I tried reading several articles about differentiation and they were helpful. I don't know if I fully grasp the concept yet because it was described in different ways, but I'll keep reading.
Jim, thanks for the good reminder. I don't know if I'm my husband's plan b or c or anything at all. I've distanced myself though, and I'm moving physically far away. I do wonder how that will change the dynamic with my husband once he sees me living independently, working, and moving on in the new city. Not because I'm doing those things to bring him back, but because I think our lives at that point will be fully separate so if we both find ourselves better off then there is little chance at that point we'll reconcile. On the other hand, if my husband realizes he made a huge mistake, then he'll have to make the effort to move up our way, get professional help, etc.. and I'll be in the stronger position. There are many thoughts that run through my mind about the future. I do think there's a difference between now and six months ago because six months ago it would have been easy to reconcile if we'd been separate for just a few weeks. Now it's been seven months and this is a more serious matter, especially since my husband wants a divorce, has a girlfriend, lives in our house alone, etc.. So it's past the point of being a plan b. Now I've lost everything and will have to re-build everything. My husband is gone. I'll write more below what I think might be happening.
25years, I'm wondering what's happening because in January my husband wanted an immediate divorce. Now he's not talking about divorce at all. So I don't know what he's thinking. He's about to feel loss though, because we're moving and he can't just pass by for ten minutes here-and-there to say hi to our daughter. Now if he wants to see her he'll have to book a flight, take off work, and travel. This is not convenient for him. I'm not moving to make it harder for my husband to see our daughter but because I need to work and I can't find a job here in this vacation town where we live. I chose our old city because that's where I can find a job and also because that's where I have the most friends. It's hard to capture what's actually happening vs. all the confusion I feel in my mind internally here in these short posts, but appeasing my husband isn't how I'd describe what's happening. It's more the anticipation of change and wondering what life will be like after we move. It's still hard to process sometimes how seven months ago we were preparing to move into our dream home and spend the next several decades here in this city and now I'm moving for the ninth time in five years, again, to a new place without my husband, becoming a single mom, making decisions totally alone. Maybe my husband was walking all over me these past six months because I was physically ill and couldn't do much for a while, I've been unemployed, and I was caring for our daughter full-time while he has all the freedom in the world. Now that will change though.
PsySara, it really helps to know someone understands and is going through the same thing at the same time. There are other marriage help programs out there with more documented success rates but I guess even a short-term success doesn't translated into long-term success as you discovered yourself. Marriage is just hard once one person wanders off-track. I hope we can both continue documenting our experiences here and learn from one another.
Mybest, you may see that PsySara is also married to a Muslim man so you can follow her thread too. It's nice to hear that you understand as well. I hope for a more positive outcome in your case!
Everyone, if I may, I just want to share another update as a follow-on to everything. My husband has been coming by every day. He's started to do 'normal' things again like eat snacks from the kitchen, talk about things happening in his life, makes eye contact, and laughs and makes jokes. Maybe we're just becoming friends as we face divorce. Or maybe my husband recognizes that I'm changing and he's reacting to how I've become different. I'm happy though. I don't really care at the moment about the status of our relationship. I don't want to ask my husband what he's thinking. I'm just glad that it's peaceful right now and I hope I can stay strong and make it through the move and be truly independent. I'm happier right now with the unknown than the known, because I like to think that there are multiple possible positive outcomes such as reconciling in the future, finding a new husband after divorce, or just staying married but separated without a clear path for the time being. It's hard to describe because I go through so many emotions and thought processes every day because at times I remember all the fun and laughter and happiness my husband and I had together and at other times I remember all the bad things he's done. But things are better at the moment now that I'm moving. We'll see what happens.
