No affair, no feelings...is there hope?

[Olya]

I don't know how to navigate spending time together vs keeping distant.

So, this is actually pretty easy. Let's use your living room couch as an example.

Scenario 1: Wife comes in. You're on the couch watching TV/Playing video games.

Do NOT get up and leave. Five-year-olds do that.
Do NOT invite her to spend time with you.
Do NOT attempt small talk.

Do say "hi" if this is the first time you see her since she came home, but do NOT ask her about her day.

Do NOT object to her sitting down in the same room with you.

Do NOT offer to change the TV to something else for her - you were there first. If she asks you to, say that you are almost done, finish what you are watching, give her the remote, and go do something else in another room. Do this with utmost serenity.

If she sits down, wherever that may be, do not make a big deal of it and do NOT EVER thank her for spending time with you or let her know that it means something to you. You are a person, not a puppy.


Scenario 2: Wife is on the couch watching TV. You come into the room. She does not acknowledge you or barely acknowledge you.

Follow all the conversation rules from Scenario 1 and proceed to another room to do something else. After all, you have a Master's degree to work on, right?


Scenario 3: Wife is on the couch watching TV. You come into the room. She offers/asks that you watch TV with her.

If this is the program you both like to watch, say something like "sure" and sit down to watch it, but not next to her.

If this is something that you have never been interested in, tell her "Thanks, but I have no interest in this. If you're going to watch [insert show here], let me know." Proceed to another room, oh reasonable one with good manners.

If you have already made plans for the evening, no matter what she's watching, thank her, let her know that you already have plans and proceed with your plans. One of the consequences of her decision is that you no longer have to bend over backwards to do things for her. She needs to know that, not through words, but through your actions.


This will apply equally nicely to any scenario. Really.

One last note, she has suddenly started smoking again which is something that has always been a very hot topic of contention.

Cool.

Ignore it.

Not your lungs. Not your problem. Don't even bring it up UNLESS she is smoking in the house. In that case, let her know that you are concerned about your own health and she needs to take it outside. Beyond that, you don't care. Heck, ask her if she wants you to pick her up some cigarettes when you go to the store.



You do, however, need to get a life. I know that it's hard where you're at. Believe me, I know. But you have options.

1. People world over speak English. I promise you, if you attempt to go out and socialize, you will find English speakers.

2. People in non-English speaking countries like to hire English speakers to teach. You are an educated man. See if you can find a job teaching English.

3. Go to the FRG and ask them about some language classes that you can take. I'm sure there's something. As a bonus, you will meet new people at these classes. Note: NEVER tell ANYONE at the FRG about your family problems. NEVER EVER EVER EVER tell them a word more than they absolutely need to know. If you do, the whole post will know about it. And half the bases stateside. People at the FRG are a casual resource, NOT your friends.

4. You're in a new country. EXPLORE! Take a drive. Take a stroll. Download meetups app (at this point, its creators should start reimbursing me for all the free advertising) and see what's happening - you will have the added bonus of being able to locate English speakers.


The longer you sit alone in this house, the worse it will be for you. Cabin fever is a thing and your wife cannot be your only window to the outside world.