No affair, no feelings...is there hope?

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I didnt say to start packing. I said to figure out what you want on your end. You talk about the mess of logistics holding her to you. How is that a good thing? You even say it is only building resentment. If it were me, I would figure out what YOU would want to do if she decides to proceed. I dont think that would be up to her anyway.

This is a good point and one that I will have to think over and make sure I separate what I want and what I need.

You initially said this:
all my plans for career (I am currently in a masters program) have to be changed to get a job quickly and support myself and we would have to figure out how to pay for my stuff to be moved including my car etc

To me, this is something you need to figure out. Not her. She isnt responsible for your choices for your masters program and job and so on if you do wind up splitting. As Cadet says, Knowledge is Power. Sometimes just knowing what your options are can help you to not be so paralyzed. Taking ownership of your self can be a powerful step to help you break free of your fears of the 'what-ifs'.

As for future changes, the selfish mindset is my biggest concern. I do not want to be that type of person and I want to be more caring and put others first.

One of the biggest takeaways that I got from DR was how important it is to recognize these areas of growth and then to also lay out a plan for actually achieving them. So what quantifiable actions can you take to progress towards this goal? How will you exhibit these traits?

So this is a major problem for me. If I'm being honest, and you probably already know this by now, I am way too accommodating. I consistently find myself wondering why on earth I am the one who has no real control in relationships, which probably has correlation with my struggle with being "controlling". I still haven't quite worked it out, but it is not something I enjoy and for once I'd like to be the one who can say and do what I want without worrying about the effects or what the other person thinks or will react etc (not in a reckless way). I find myself always being the first to apologize in a fight even when I am the one who was wronged in the first place. I just want the fight over! In fact, this is probably a root cause of an inability to have a truly healthy relationship because it is never balanced. I'm just not sure how to fix it yet.

I think youre on the right path. I get being committed to this relationship even in the face of the actions and words from your W. There is no shame in that. My concern is that if you let her get everything she wants for forever, then she has no reason to change the status quo. The bed is kind of a microcosm - here you are, devoted to your marriage 100%, but she wants to separatae and so you move to the guest room sometimes to....help her feel better? Im not sure exactly.

Im not saying that you should be a jerk to her or punish for her thoughts. And Im not saying you should go run out and look for other women or anything like that. Im saying that it isnt your job to cater to her every whim right now. She fired you from that job. You talk about being unselfish, but really, I kinda think now is the time where you SHOULD be a little bit selfish. She is giving you the gift of time to go out and become the person you want to become. Take advantage of it!

My other point above was that you act and come across like you are committed to the marriage 100%. I commend you for that. It's OK to give off that persona here. But think about what that says to W that you are OK with her doing whatever it is she wants and youll always be there as a safety net. How does that attitude lead to her valuing you or your relationship? Now is a good time to understand what qualities you value in a relationship and what you want out of a partner. What is your recourse if she cant meet those expectations?

She asked me tonight where I wanted to sleep and I said the bed, she said okay. She has never wanted to fight me on it, I just stupidly gave it to her for free. I won't give it up again.

You dont need to lie and say the other place is uncomfortable or anything like that. You dont really need to give an explanation. She is free to sleep where she wants.

So, now I am not sure if I screwed up or not. Tonight when she came home from work neither of us had eaten and we decided to go pick something up (very normal, before). We ate dinner together and watched TV. Obviously, it was great to have the company, but should I be avoiding this??

Its not a big deal if she initiates it. But I would say that if you are home every night when she comes in waiting to see if she wants to do something with you....thats not good. GAL is so so so so so so important. I dont think anyone here can stress that enough to you. You need to start making your own plans - even if it's just to go to the coffee house down the street for a few hours to read or people watch. Get out of the house and start doing something. Anything. Go to a dance class, a game night, a language class, parasailing, scuba diving, doesnt really matter.

I didn't push for it or anything of the sort. It was natural and we actually had a very pleasant time and laughed a lot. I don't know how to navigate spending time together vs keeping distant. I want her to feel the effects of missing me and not get to have her cake and eat it too. But obviously we can't have any hope of reconcile if we never have any contact. Should the first real contact not be until she wants to initiate a relationship talk? I don't have the book yet and the only thing I know for sure is the not reaching out or pressuring, and focusing on myself. From my research last year (before I knew about DB specifically) a lot of what I read and held on to was that I should be hoping for an internal struggle where she is unsure if she really wants to be done, and hopefully decides maybe there is hope for growth and change and it is worth giving it another shot. This probably depends on how deep her resolve is, which I have no way of knowing.

This feels like a lot of overanalyzing and going around in circles. In my opinion, it's very hard to 'nice them back'. Its also impossible to talk your way out of a situation that your actions got you into. With that, if you focus on your own self improvement and GAL your heart out, thats the best path towards success.

Claimed she wanted to quit, I supported her, but somehow half the time we were arguing about it because she wouldn't fully commit and it became an issue of me controlling her. Now it seems like a clear act of independence/rebellion now that she is "free".

Who knows? It culd be that shes sad or scared or nervous or whatever else. I would say just note it for now.

As for your other comments above...can you see a difference between "Im not willing to be around a smoker" and "You need to stop smoking if you want to be in this relationship"? I feel like the first removes any need for an argument and is about your boundary while the second is controlling to her. Think about that distinction as you move forward in this process.