How would your H describe the MR, if he were telling us about it? What would he tell us about living with you?
Why has he lost attraction for you?
Why was he working on the MR alone for a year and a half?
I hope you will be painfully honest.
The 37 rules were written as bullet points. If I can help you with certain ones, let me know and I'll try to explain them more.
You are reacting mostly out of fear. Your actions are not attractive to him. Surely, knowing you are pushing him out of the door will help you resist pressuring him to stay with a desperate wife. ((hugs))
I'm glad you found this board. The more you can tell us, the better we can see the bigger picture. Get ready for a lot of hard work.
P.S. Would weight gain happen to be one of the issues for his lack of attraction?
Hmm. This is hard.
As I said, I've done all the wrong things over the last few months. He'd describe the relationship as:
In a place where we both take each other for granted. Supportive of one another in terms of our physical life (career, hobbies, friends, etc.) but not emotional. We want the best for each other. He is not attracted to me, and we are having issues with intimacy. He says I haven't done anything big to push him away, but for years, the little things have built. He has "dealt with it" by doing what he thinks is "being a good husband" by keeping his mouth shut about things instead of dealing with his emotions, risking conflict, and expressing how he feels.
Examples of the small things that have built up: not cooking, not cleaning, gaining weight, spending too much time on the couch, not "trying." He admits that most of these (other than the weight issue) are both of us, not just me. We've both fallen into the habit of giving up if the other isn't pulling their weight instead of discussing things.
I asked him how much of this was about my weight, and he said it wasn't. I was overweight when we met, and at that time, he still found me beautiful. If it wasn't for built up resentment, he says he wouldn't care. In the last six years, I've gained 30 lbs; lost 40; gained all 40 back...
He loves me. He says he wants to be with me but doesn't want to be in a (romantic) loveless marriage. We are good partners in many ways, just not good lovers. The impetus for this was when my younger sister got pregnant. When we got married, we both wanted kids. Two years in, he said he didn't want kids. I thought it made sense because we weren't super financially stable. But now, he says that from the beginning, he has always wanted to have kids, but didn't think our marriage would last if we had kids. Instead of telling me that, he just said he didn't want kids. Now, he doesn't see a future with us together or have that burning desire to have kids with me (even though he says I would be a good mother).
He was working on the MR alone for a year and a half because he was conflict-averse. See, he hates it when I cry. Hates it. He never cries (in eight years, I have never seen him cry once), and no matter how much I tell him I don't cry to be manipulative, I don't cry to make him feel badly... I just... cry. Because it's my body reacting to stress or other emotions. If I could flip a switch and not cry around him, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But it still hits him hard when I cry. So he is conflict averse because he doesn't want to make me cry. He never told me how he felt about these things. Maybe he brought some up as minor annoyances. But never "this makes me unhappy. I am building resentment. We need to work not this."
He did tell me about weight things, and I went to an eating disorder clinic and saw them for about a year. It helped with some of my habits, but not my weight. I think that frustrated him. If I was getting help, why wasn't I losing weight? At one point, my doctor said that I'm not so overweight that it's a big deal and maybe I should stop trying so hard because the health risks associated with that might be worse than the health risks of being somewhat overweight. I think, in hindsight, that might have been part of the issue. He saw me as getting help, then "giving up" (even though I still wanted to lose weight... that a doctor would say that to me scared him, I think).
That being said, he really didn't support me in the way I needed to be supported for weight loss, because he didn't understand we are different. He's happy to support me in ways that work for him. But even when I told him that it'd be great if he wanted to do Couch to 5k with me a few years back, he said no because "you don't need that. Just go and run. It's all in your head-- you should be able to just run until you can't run anymore and not follow some program." When I asked him to keep some of the trigger junk food in the car, or out of sight on a top shelf? He never did it. I told him that even seeing it as I walk by can be problematic for me and that it is important for me to control my environment. Nope. Nothing. In his mind, I should have the self-discipline to just walk by. He didn't understand it, so he didn't support it.
I know this is coming across as defensive. Ugh. I hate that. This is just a hard process. I'm not blaming anyone but myself for my personal issues.
Anyway, I've lost somewhere around 12-14 lbs in the last two months, which I am delighted with.
Another dynamic is culture. He's from a fairly male-dominant culture. His mom worked full-time (as have I for the entirety of our relationship) AND took care of everything in the house. None of the men in his family help around the house. Right now, most of his friends are from his country and are married to people from there as well. I think there is some jealousy of how much their wives do compared to my expectations that household duties are shared. Maybe not always equally, but shared.
We also just had a huge shift in our marriage. From the beginning, I have been the primary breadwinner for the most part. I've worked career-track jobs; he has worked foodservice and ridesharing until recently. I mostly supported him through his associate's degree in a tech field; I also went back and got my masters' degree while working full-time. He kicked tail at his first internship and they offered him a job last September after 8 months experience in the field and a 2-year degree that had the minimum requirements of five years experience and a 4-year degree. Because he is that awesome. It was a lot of stress, but he is doing well at it.
So -- we have gone to him making essentially an identical salary to me after that never having been the case before. I was delighted -- we were talking about a house closer to work, kids... I thought it was great we could finally breathe. Travel. Save for retirement.
He has felt emasculated in a few ways, I think. A part of him probably hated that I supported us more financially than him. And one of the other "little things that grew and festered" had to do with that too. When he first came to the U.S., I had to do a lot for him (explain menus, make appointments, take charge with internet providers, cell phone providers, help him with the DMV, etc.). Even now, he asks me to do things like make his doctors appointments... or if we are in a restaurant, if we are sharing things, he asks me to order for us both. Now, he says that for a long time, he has felt annoyed at how much I "take charge" when we go to a store or restaurant. It is incredibly frustrating to hear, because I am an introvert! It's not in my nature -- it's something I do ONLY because he has given me every indication that it is what he wants (by still asking me to do some of those things). He has never said "hey, I got this." I am not a mindreader.
So -- yeah. I am frustrated. I am frustrated that he didn't bring this all up before things started to build and fester, when they could have been fixed more easily. I am frustrated that he "worked on things" (which means "keep things inside and not bring it up") as one person rather than including me in the process. I am frustrated that no matter how many times I tell him that I can't help it when I cry and not to read into it or feel guilty... he still does (and I can't just flip a switch to shut off the tears).
But I love him. Dearly. I truly, honestly believe that we are both doing our best with this situation. I trust that he wants things to be better and fixed between us (I know I do). I am not angry at him. I am not even angry at myself for not understanding the small warning signs -- I really, truly believed it was external stress.
I think this approach here at DB is helpful because it allows me to trust him. He says he needs space to get clarity. I haven't respected how well he knows himself and God knows I haven't given him space. This seems to be a how-to for that, but in a way that is productive. At least that is my hope.
Tonight, my goal is not to text him at work (he works third shift -- another recent development that is effecting his wellbeing). I didn't last night. I won't tonight.
It was a lot of stress, but he is doing well at it. 