That REALLY escalated fast. (Hoosjim's 14th)

[sandi2]

The next THREAD!?

[hoosjim]

(Continued from previous post...)

So, she went to OM's gym that day. A stupid, stupid, selfish, disrespectful, hurtful, thing... but she did it. She wasn't 100% sure why, she said, but she thinks (or at least this is what she told herself) that she needed to see him one last time, to know she could trust herself, to know she could be with me, hoosjim, and trust herself. She did not get dolled up as she had been wont to do when going to see him in the past. She did not wear her extremely flattering yoga tights, nor did she put on any makeup or do her hair. She wore loose sweats, and a ball cap with her hair in a ponytail.

And see him she did. As she was on the way out, but still on the gym floor, he brushed past her and then said "hey, you, you came! It's been a long time!" He went to give her a hug and she shrugged it into a "side hug", "buddy style" and then pushed away saying "I'm all sweaty." He asked how she was doing and she said "good". He asked if she would "be back tomorrow, maybe we could get coffee" and she said "no". Then, "Hey I've got to go." "Okay" OM said, "See ya". "Okay", she said, (and it was awkward, she said) and then she kind of waved and walked away. [This interaction, she still thinks I witnessed, though I did not-- I only saw OM go into the gym entrance before turning and leaving-- so I am fairly certain that at least on the visual/physical aspect such as the hug and body language that she is telling the truth here and, possibly, on the dialogue.]

As she walked out of the gym [and this, as with pretty much everything I am posting here about her movements, is as she related it to me this past Saturday], she says she felt "freed." There were no feelings for OM, she said she felt no pull, and... she says... it was like a "revelation", like "all her walls came down"... she knew she could commit to a life with me, she knew she could give herself completely to me, she knew she could love me like I deserved to be loved... she knew that that was the life she wanted. She called me, but I did not answer. And then she called me again. And again. And again. And again. Because, she said, she wanted to hear my voice. Because, she said, she was excited about our double date for later that night. Because she had bought a new outfit she wanted to wear for me. and Because, she said, she missed me and she wished that she had gone to my club with me, and that she was going to from now on. But I did not answer. I had already seen what I needed to see, and, when she got home, I told her I was done and that I wanted her gone by the end of the week.

The rest you know. Her desperation, both our pain. Me walking out, wanting to kill the OM. The IC sessions, for each of us, three each in the past week. I was done. Finished. In pain. Struggling with anger but moving on. She was done. Her life finished. What she thought she was finally working towards destroyed by her own hand. She confided in her bff, who was being accosted by OM after I sent several aggressively threatening texts, and also in her Christian gf work, herself a victim of infidelity who had rescued her own MR. Bff, who had been in the process of distancing herself from OM and his somewhat unsavory crew (she is trying to legitimize and normalize her life now, as she transitions to a full time R with her AP, and, as well, had herself become persona non grata amongst some of OM's friends from her not-so-veiled attempt at an affair with one of the group's married men), ultimately blocked OM's calls, and has been only sporadically available to my W, apparently. W took refuge with her work gf and with the IC/MC, who provided guidance and understanding, but also "tough love"... the counseling sessions that led to our trial "meet up" on Saturday.

Our MC provided us both with a lot of guidance leading up to Saturday, and encouraged us to check in with her even over the holiday weekend, as things were bound to be "emotional" for us. In addition to all the other advice I have mentioned, MC told us both that if there were ever to be any recovery/return from this, that there was much hard and painful work to be done... that we should not move "too fast" but that we should also "not overthink things too much"... that if "reaching out" felt right in the moment, that we should be willing to surrender to that impulse, especially since so much of our history involved and so many of our issues arose from "holding back" and "putting up walls." She urged me in particular to "Take care of yourself and remember the need to protect yourself and insist on what you need to feel protected when dealing with your W" but, at that same time, do not doubt changes in people merely because they are sudden, reminding me to consider my own faith and talking about conversions to the faith-- one of which, as I mentioned, I am a firsthand witness to.

I thought about all of that on Saturday as I sat with my W, first next to each other, and, then ultimately, facing each other sort of indian style with our legs loosely intertwined (I drew us into that position myself... I almost don't remember doing it it just... happened... and seemed natural as breathing-- I would have never done that previously. Never. Not the person I was and not the relationship W and I ever had. But this felt completely normal and natural. In fact, it would have felt awkward not to be so intwined, IMO. And then we rose, and walked hand in hand back towards town. I did not hesitate to drop her hand... again as a natural consequence of the flow of our talk... when I became irritated, or when my hurt came to the surface, or when she said something that sounded... "excuse-y" or that highlighted the terrible, hurful, choice she had made. And she accepted that. Deferred to me. Leaned into me when the moment had passed and apologized. So many apologies. And tears. And they were genuine.

We found a small café. The food was amazing. We held hands across the table from time to time or crossed legs/feet underneath. We talked. We cried. We laughed a little. Then it was time to go. I walked her to her car and we hugged. I told her it was good to see her... that I was glad she had opened up to me like she did but that it had raised a whole raft of questions, and stirred my emotions again... even as the pain and hurt and anger she had already caused in me were still fresh and present. I needed time. I needed to be alone. I cared for her deeply, and was happy for seeing her, but I could not commit to coming back. To trusting her again. I needed time. Let me be for the day, for tomorrow morning, I said, I will meet you at church tomorrow at 11:30. "Okay", she said. "Thanks for seeing me" and, as I walked away, "I love you, Jim." I turned and waved and walked away.

(To be continued...)

[hoosjim]

(Continued from previous post...)

...I went to church that night with my buddy. Not the catholic church I usually attend with the family, but the more "modern" church I was led to in the early days after the initial BD last year. As I sat there, I had the same sort of encounter with God's grace I had had on my very first visit. The pastor spoke directly to me... or at least so it seemed, but I think it is an apt description and many who are avid churchgoers will tell you similar stories. There was talk of the "renewal" and "resurrection" around the Easter season... that we shouldn't doubt sudden miracles, sudden changes in people or in situations as the apostles doubted. "You think your marriage is dead, finished" was one phrase that rang out from the pastor's lips... "but with God nothing is dead. You think things can't change in an instant, but that's what miracles are. You think people cant change, cant come to faith, can't convert, can't be born again in an instant, but with God, all things are possible. Believe the miracle." There was more, but so, so much of it spoke directly to me and my situation. Afterwards, my buddy asked me: "Why do you overthink things? Maybe it just is what it is? Do you remember how I came to faith? Do you remember how suddenly it was? [overnight] And do you doubt it merely because of it's suddenness?" (FWIW, my buddies faith is one of the strongest I have seen, and I have no doubts. I am a lifelong Christian, and he and I have spiritual/theological discussions that I can't imagine having with someone as new to the faith as he is... and yet we do. AAR, I came away from the service feeling renewed. As if, yes, there was work to do... but... my wife appeared genuine. Everything about her screamed out: "I was wrong, and I sinned, and I hurt you, and I cant take that back but I am sorry and I want to make it and us right. And so, I thought, within those parameters suggested by the MC--- we commit to working on this, under my terms (yet to be decided), no exuses, no delays, no compromises, don't overthink things and don't move too fast-- I can do this. I can believe my marriage will recover. I can give this one more shot with this woman I still love.

And then, Sunday.

Her demeanor is the same. Deferential. Submissive. I meet her and boys. We go to church. We hold hands during the service. She leans gently against me. She goes to communion for the first time in... I don't know... 18 months (turns out she went to confession with my younger son last week, also for the first time on a long while). We go to lunch and laugh and talk and take joy in each others' company... like we haven't, at least not fully, as a family in years upon years upon years... since the boys were very small. We return home. I help her with her bag into the house. I bring one of my small bags, my gym bag in. I take her hand and say... "remember what we talked about with Jess... I can do this, we can do this, but it has to be my rules, my way, and there can be no slacking off and no break and no rest... and it's going to hurt and be painful, but we can do this." "Yes" she says... "I know"... "I will. I promise. For you and for us I will."

A short while later, S18 is going to see friends for the night (he has today off school), I have to go out to the CVS, so I take him. I tell her ill be back in a bit. When I return, the lights are low and... she is there. Long story short we end up in each others' arms. She says at the beginning "this is all for you, Jim"... "whatever you want" "I want this to be about you" She has a drink for me... she has set up cards and poker chips on the floor (poker is a game I taught her a while ago and it is kind of "our game")... she is wearing my shirt. She says later she just wanted it to be about fun, and flirting, and maybe making out some, and I tell her "really? Did you really expect it wouldn't go further?" And, like that, we've "gone too fast." And I hope...more than I thought possible that I would hope... that we haven't turned down a path that will keep us from getting to where we could have gone.

Artista, I thought intensely of you last night. (Okay, ummm... well, ya know, not about you per se... We are, after all, both married... but about your sitch) And, I am scared... but maybe not hopeless. I am going to talk to W tonight. Recommit to what we are doing. Reemphasize that there is still pain and hurt, there... that we can't just fall into each others' arms and hope it will all be better. Last night, she said that's not what she was thinking, that she knows what we still have to do, but that we also need to reconnect... and that she wants that connection with me. That she loves me. She says she feels like she's a teenager again. She looks at me intently in the eyes and she has no lines of worry... she looks twenty... that look she has and has had only rarely when she is overcome with pure joy. I know it. I know her. I have seen it. yet still I worry. We can't forget. I can't forget. It is too painful and way, way, way too soon. We need to put that pain and hurt to rest... but we need to do it the right way. Artista... what can you tell me about your similar period. What happened? What could have happened differently. What could you and your husband done to emerge from that period triumphant rather than spiraling down once again... There has to be some sort of insight, some sort of wisdom which could help me here.

We love each other. But I fear... No... I know... that that wont be enough.

That's it. You're all up to date. I'm going home now.

[Ginger1]

So...... did you have sex?

[artista]

I will respond to your question, hoosjim... I need some time... I will respond tomorrow... Thank you for asking...

--artista

[hoosjim]

Ginger, I apologize for being coy... Yes, we ML. I always believed that a gentleman doesn't "kiss and tell.".... So, while I may be no gentleman, I usually dont "tell", either. I understand that it is germane here, however. And it was... participatory. Very participatory. With full giving, and receiving, and telling snd listening and responding for both parties. It sounds trite, but it was definitely not just sex... we ML.

Artista-- Thanks. I will await. Let me see if I can synopsize, as succinctly as possuble, where I am:

I believe. Her, her change, her story. The full substance of it at least. I still have questions... questions that I will have answered. and there are smallet details here and there that are inconsequential enough that I am willing to allow for brain fog or for her to clarify going forward. But... I believe in this. And I have faith. However, I am not so naive and blind and complacent that I don't think we can screw this up by moving too fast,not doing the requisite work, and not establishing a foundation that will underpin the truly strong and lasting relationship we could have if we can properly address and put the past to bed. I still hurt. I still am going to have moments of doubt, and she... is almost like a child... I can't help thinking she still has work to do to before "we" are out of the woods

I just hope that by falling into bed as quickly as we did hasn't set us down a path from which we can't get to where we need to be, if this MR is to truly be what I think it can.

[hoosjim]

Also, fwiw, MC just now via text (we both "checked in" with her, as requested):

It probably wasn't the best timing for you guys to get so intimate so quickly. However, the more important component is "doing the work", so lets try to stay focused on that"

[Ginger1]

Jim, I don’t know what to say. I knew she was going to have relations with you. It’s the one big huge thing you wanted and she needed to get back in. And she had the major ammo she had been withholding.

I truly hope that it was sincere. I hope that this getting caught was some major wake up call for her and she will quit the lying. BecUse she did know what you said you wouldn’t tolerate: and that was contact with OM. And I don’t care if he pursued, she is a grown-ass woman. She knew what she was doing was wrong, she didn’t do it to appease him, she did it for her and thinking she wouldn’t get caught.

But she did. And I will repeat, I hope to god this was the wake up call she needed and there will be no more lying and excuses. That she can’t mess with your trust.

I do wish you the best. Both of you. You are both adults entering a new phase in your lives and I hope it is done with love, honesty, and respect

[hoosjim]

BecUse she did know what you said you wouldn’t tolerate: and that was contact with OM. And I don’t care if he pursued, she is a grown-ass woman. She knew what she was doing was wrong,

It made me chuckle that you typed that as you did. I said the exact same thing for her, nearly word for word, including the "grown -ass woman" part. And all without raising my voice, though very sternly. It was one of those "really" and dropped her hand moments, when she had kind of made light if it (as I saw it) by comparing it to something disobedient she had done as a kid. She quickly recanted, dropped her eyes, apologized.. "I'm sorry, I know, you're right". (Tears)...

[hoosjim]

And now she's texting me, trying to entice me back from the gym early... "where are you? I miss you." Then "You can have 'leg day' here"(texts picture of her leg... with nothing on but a stiletto heel.)