I did okay today, but when he left for work (he works nights), I got all needy and started feeling badly. He usually gives me a hug before he leaves because I sort of prompt him for it. But he didn't, and I didn't prompt. So no hug. I want to reach out and connect, but know that's the wrong thing to do. So hard. At least I have Zumba in a few minutes, which always gets a big happy endorphin release.
I wonder about this too, 44tries. I think -- at least, my take on it -- that I need to do it for myself first. I need to be in the best place possible to get through this ridiculously challenging time. For me, this means surrounding myself with friends, exercising, losing weight, eating better, meditation. I am even trying visits to a Buddhist center for their philosophy since it resonates with me. I need this to get through the days. I need this to be able to increase my chances to have a level head.
I need to exercise to get rid of the excess energy and anxiety that comes from the pain of the situation.
I need to lose weight so I don't lose confidence in myself as an attractive and desirable person.
I need to meditate to better be able to understand and regulate my emotions.
I need to surround myself with friends for joy and company.
I need to cook so I eat better and save money since this separation is going to put me in financial stress.
I need to clean because it brings me peace to come home to a clean room.
I need to journal so I can understand and engage with my emotions and sort through them.
If it gets him back to me? Then it's icing on the cake. But these are the things that will help me learn to detach; help me be capable of following the rules; help me not feel the need to pursue. If I believe in myself, I can better tolerate whatever is to come.
