Can I really do this?

[sandi2]

Don't beat yourself up. You have had a heavy burden.

My adult D was disabled. It was so obvious to everyone but SSI. It took a lawyer and appearing before a board......and then, she only received partial, but a little beats nothing. I hope your heart won't become hardened when looking out there and seeing people who appear to be much healthier than your W, and they are getting financial assistance. I struggled not to become very angry at the system. I've known of people lying and getting that check in the mail, and it really hurts when you see your loved one not receiving the help they obviously need. Anyway, moving along........

Knowing that I have no control over her choices makes things so much better.

Neither are you responsible for her choices. As long as she has free will to choose, she is responsible for her decisions.

Doesn't mean I like it, just good to realize that if I try to force, the opposite will happen. The constant worrying, obsessing, etc. over how I believe my wife is going to rip apart our family was (and is) excruciating. This is not a guilt play on her, just the way I feel.

I'm glad you are sharing your feelings, b/c they are just as important as her feelings are to her. And you know what? I think you may learn through DBing, how to implement some principles toward any future rebellious teenagers or young adult children. I hope you don't have to deal with it, but if you do.......you'll be a pro.

Presently, I feel she is a little delusional as she said that she expects me to pay all of the bills because we are still married but has zero intention of retaining a relationship.

I'm sure she is not being very logical. Not that it helps, but it is very common in the sitches we see on the board. There was a recent story of a W who wanted a D, but expected the H to continue living with her......and to keep it a secret from family and friends!

I said "it looks great" and moved on. Didn't take the bait. I don't know how long it will take her to realize that life WILL change drastically and for better or worse, having the kids half the time will take a toll on her and change her life as well.

Perfect!