Sorry! I assumed you were the wife. I try not to, but most military personnel are guys, so, sometimes assumptions happen.
I'm trying to make peace with the fact that I cannot help him deal with this issue if he does not want to. Willingness to get hurt is a prerequisite to feeling in love and to being happy. When people build barriers to keep out pain, they also keep out any and every meaningful connection. I know that my husband sees it as strength. It's not.
While we have been apart before, this will be the first time he deploys. So far, he has worked very hard to isolate himself. There will be no texts, emails, or care packages. I fully intend to let him have exactly what he wants. (Or what he thinks he wants anyway.) I will drop him off and I will pick him up. That's it.
I also know him well enough to tell that there is a meltdown coming. It may not be now. It may not be months from now. But it's coming and it will not be pretty. I'm going to spend the next 11 months trying to decide whether I want to be there when it does happen.
No problem, I understand Your sentence "Willingness to get hurt is a prerequisite to feeling in love and to being happy" is so on the mark. I have many flaws of my own and am focusing on these during my DBing time, but I think my wife's unwillingness to be vulnerable is a huge piece of the problem in my marriage as well. Like you said, it cannot be fixed if they don't want to. But very sad and frustrating when she claims she isn't in love or happy and right there is a huge reason why. I know that this aspect isn't personal to me and she will continue to struggle with it in future relationships.
I can't even describe to you the full depth of her resistance to vulnerability, it infects all aspects of her life because she holds onto it so tightly, mistaking it for strength just like you said. She always wants to be mister tough guy (sorry for the gendered term) and act like she has no needs, no dependence. Of course I know this isn't true and I'm just left guessing.
I think you are doing the right thing, letting him have his stubborn way. It always backfires in the end, but I learned my lesson that any attempts to counter are NEVER met well. I struggle with my resolve to be unwaveringly committed (my own stubbornness showing) but also question in the end if it best for me.
M: 26 W: 26 M: 1.5 T: 3 No kids BD: 31 March 2018
W's affair began: 23 March 2018 Affair confirmed: 18 April 2018 Confrontation/claims she ended A: 14 May 2018 Ended in-house separation: July 2018
Your sentence "Willingness to get hurt is a prerequisite to feeling in love and to being happy" is so on the mark. I have many flaws of my own and am focusing on these during my DBing time, but I think my wife's unwillingness to be vulnerable is a huge piece of the problem in my marriage as well. Like you said, it cannot be fixed if they don't want to. But very sad and frustrating when she claims she isn't in love or happy and right there is a huge reason why. I know that this aspect isn't personal to me and she will continue to struggle with it in future relationships.
