That REALLY escalated fast. (Hoosjim's 14th)

[hoosjim]

(Continued from previous post...)

...I went to church that night with my buddy. Not the catholic church I usually attend with the family, but the more "modern" church I was led to in the early days after the initial BD last year. As I sat there, I had the same sort of encounter with God's grace I had had on my very first visit. The pastor spoke directly to me... or at least so it seemed, but I think it is an apt description and many who are avid churchgoers will tell you similar stories. There was talk of the "renewal" and "resurrection" around the Easter season... that we shouldn't doubt sudden miracles, sudden changes in people or in situations as the apostles doubted. "You think your marriage is dead, finished" was one phrase that rang out from the pastor's lips... "but with God nothing is dead. You think things can't change in an instant, but that's what miracles are. You think people cant change, cant come to faith, can't convert, can't be born again in an instant, but with God, all things are possible. Believe the miracle." There was more, but so, so much of it spoke directly to me and my situation. Afterwards, my buddy asked me: "Why do you overthink things? Maybe it just is what it is? Do you remember how I came to faith? Do you remember how suddenly it was? [overnight] And do you doubt it merely because of it's suddenness?" (FWIW, my buddies faith is one of the strongest I have seen, and I have no doubts. I am a lifelong Christian, and he and I have spiritual/theological discussions that I can't imagine having with someone as new to the faith as he is... and yet we do. AAR, I came away from the service feeling renewed. As if, yes, there was work to do... but... my wife appeared genuine. Everything about her screamed out: "I was wrong, and I sinned, and I hurt you, and I cant take that back but I am sorry and I want to make it and us right. And so, I thought, within those parameters suggested by the MC--- we commit to working on this, under my terms (yet to be decided), no exuses, no delays, no compromises, don't overthink things and don't move too fast-- I can do this. I can believe my marriage will recover. I can give this one more shot with this woman I still love.

And then, Sunday.

Her demeanor is the same. Deferential. Submissive. I meet her and boys. We go to church. We hold hands during the service. She leans gently against me. She goes to communion for the first time in... I don't know... 18 months (turns out she went to confession with my younger son last week, also for the first time on a long while). We go to lunch and laugh and talk and take joy in each others' company... like we haven't, at least not fully, as a family in years upon years upon years... since the boys were very small. We return home. I help her with her bag into the house. I bring one of my small bags, my gym bag in. I take her hand and say... "remember what we talked about with Jess... I can do this, we can do this, but it has to be my rules, my way, and there can be no slacking off and no break and no rest... and it's going to hurt and be painful, but we can do this." "Yes" she says... "I know"... "I will. I promise. For you and for us I will."

A short while later, S18 is going to see friends for the night (he has today off school), I have to go out to the CVS, so I take him. I tell her ill be back in a bit. When I return, the lights are low and... she is there. Long story short we end up in each others' arms. She says at the beginning "this is all for you, Jim"... "whatever you want" "I want this to be about you" She has a drink for me... she has set up cards and poker chips on the floor (poker is a game I taught her a while ago and it is kind of "our game")... she is wearing my shirt. She says later she just wanted it to be about fun, and flirting, and maybe making out some, and I tell her "really? Did you really expect it wouldn't go further?" And, like that, we've "gone too fast." And I hope...more than I thought possible that I would hope... that we haven't turned down a path that will keep us from getting to where we could have gone.

Artista, I thought intensely of you last night. (Okay, ummm... well, ya know, not about you per se... We are, after all, both married... but about your sitch) And, I am scared... but maybe not hopeless. I am going to talk to W tonight. Recommit to what we are doing. Reemphasize that there is still pain and hurt, there... that we can't just fall into each others' arms and hope it will all be better. Last night, she said that's not what she was thinking, that she knows what we still have to do, but that we also need to reconnect... and that she wants that connection with me. That she loves me. She says she feels like she's a teenager again. She looks at me intently in the eyes and she has no lines of worry... she looks twenty... that look she has and has had only rarely when she is overcome with pure joy. I know it. I know her. I have seen it. yet still I worry. We can't forget. I can't forget. It is too painful and way, way, way too soon. We need to put that pain and hurt to rest... but we need to do it the right way. Artista... what can you tell me about your similar period. What happened? What could have happened differently. What could you and your husband done to emerge from that period triumphant rather than spiraling down once again... There has to be some sort of insight, some sort of wisdom which could help me here.

We love each other. But I fear... No... I know... that that wont be enough.

That's it. You're all up to date. I'm going home now.