No affair, no feelings...is there hope?

[44tries]

I didnt say to start packing. I said to figure out what you want on your end. You talk about the mess of logistics holding her to you. How is that a good thing? You even say it is only building resentment. If it were me, I would figure out what YOU would want to do if she decides to proceed. I dont think that would be up to her anyway.

This is a good point and one that I will have to think over and make sure I separate what I want and what I need.

How can you frame these so that they are about you?

For example, you talk about how you need to be better at "building her up". But really it's about recognizing achievement or providing encouragement. It isnt about how you interact with HER, specifically, but rather, what values you hold to be important to you. Thinking this way, what changes have you made? How are they keeping? What more do you want to do?

This is really good insight and helps me see how much she is at the center of my thinking. I guess I figured those translations from specific to her to general would be a given, but I should be thinking about the general form from the get-go. If I make changes for her, they aren't real changes. But should I discount the motivation to be better for someone else? This is a hard balance for me. If I hadn't been in this relationship at all, I could have easily coasted on and not ever been pushed to think introspectively and improve myself at all. Obviously, this a problem and probably exaggerated but I definitely don't think I would have come as far. To your question (and I assume you are asking about reframing my changes I have made relating to the relationship as opposed to general changes in myself that are unrelated), I have learned to have better control over my own anxieties, not letting them cause me to make impulsive decisions. I think this is something that has translated into all areas of my life and has held up. It is really a matter of maturity and inner zen if you will and part of it has come with age. As for future changes, the selfish mindset is my biggest concern. I do not want to be that type of person and I want to be more caring and put others first.

Well, what are YOUR boundaries? Why did you allow her to just 'slide back in'? Why is she the only one that gets a say in the relationship? But no...I wouldnt bring it up until you see something change in the status quo.

So this is a major problem for me. If I'm being honest, and you probably already know this by now, I am way too accommodating. I consistently find myself wondering why on earth I am the one who has no real control in relationships, which probably has correlation with my struggle with being "controlling". I still haven't quite worked it out, but it is not something I enjoy and for once I'd like to be the one who can say and do what I want without worrying about the effects or what the other person thinks or will react etc (not in a reckless way). I find myself always being the first to apologize in a fight even when I am the one who was wronged in the first place. I just want the fight over! In fact, this is probably a root cause of an inability to have a truly healthy relationship because it is never balanced. I'm just not sure how to fix it yet.

Olya, thank you for reinforcing that it is ridiculous I should be accommodating her in the bed situation. She asked me tonight where I wanted to sleep and I said the bed, she said okay. She has never wanted to fight me on it, I just stupidly gave it to her for free. I won't give it up again.

So, now I am not sure if I screwed up or not. Tonight when she came home from work neither of us had eaten and we decided to go pick something up (very normal, before). We ate dinner together and watched TV. Obviously, it was great to have the company, but should I be avoiding this?? I didn't push for it or anything of the sort. It was natural and we actually had a very pleasant time and laughed a lot. I don't know how to navigate spending time together vs keeping distant. I want her to feel the effects of missing me and not get to have her cake and eat it too. But obviously we can't have any hope of reconcile if we never have any contact. Should the first real contact not be until she wants to initiate a relationship talk? I don't have the book yet and the only thing I know for sure is the not reaching out or pressuring, and focusing on myself. From my research last year (before I knew about DB specifically) a lot of what I read and held on to was that I should be hoping for an internal struggle where she is unsure if she really wants to be done, and hopefully decides maybe there is hope for growth and change and it is worth giving it another shot. This probably depends on how deep her resolve is, which I have no way of knowing.

One last note, she has suddenly started smoking again which is something that has always been a very hot topic of contention. Originally, I told her that I did not want to get married until she quit. She agreed and this mostly happened, but she would still bum them sometimes often, sometimes infrequently depending who she hung around. She has never been a heavy smoker and goes through phases. Claimed she wanted to quit, I supported her, but somehow half the time we were arguing about it because she wouldn't fully commit and it became an issue of me controlling her. Now it seems like a clear act of independence/rebellion now that she is "free".