That REALLY escalated fast. (Hoosjim's 14th)

[hoosjim]

(Continued from previous post...)

So, she went to OM's gym that day. A stupid, stupid, selfish, disrespectful, hurtful, thing... but she did it. She wasn't 100% sure why, she said, but she thinks (or at least this is what she told herself) that she needed to see him one last time, to know she could trust herself, to know she could be with me, hoosjim, and trust herself. She did not get dolled up as she had been wont to do when going to see him in the past. She did not wear her extremely flattering yoga tights, nor did she put on any makeup or do her hair. She wore loose sweats, and a ball cap with her hair in a ponytail.

And see him she did. As she was on the way out, but still on the gym floor, he brushed past her and then said "hey, you, you came! It's been a long time!" He went to give her a hug and she shrugged it into a "side hug", "buddy style" and then pushed away saying "I'm all sweaty." He asked how she was doing and she said "good". He asked if she would "be back tomorrow, maybe we could get coffee" and she said "no". Then, "Hey I've got to go." "Okay" OM said, "See ya". "Okay", she said, (and it was awkward, she said) and then she kind of waved and walked away. [This interaction, she still thinks I witnessed, though I did not-- I only saw OM go into the gym entrance before turning and leaving-- so I am fairly certain that at least on the visual/physical aspect such as the hug and body language that she is telling the truth here and, possibly, on the dialogue.]

As she walked out of the gym [and this, as with pretty much everything I am posting here about her movements, is as she related it to me this past Saturday], she says she felt "freed." There were no feelings for OM, she said she felt no pull, and... she says... it was like a "revelation", like "all her walls came down"... she knew she could commit to a life with me, she knew she could give herself completely to me, she knew she could love me like I deserved to be loved... she knew that that was the life she wanted. She called me, but I did not answer. And then she called me again. And again. And again. And again. Because, she said, she wanted to hear my voice. Because, she said, she was excited about our double date for later that night. Because she had bought a new outfit she wanted to wear for me. and Because, she said, she missed me and she wished that she had gone to my club with me, and that she was going to from now on. But I did not answer. I had already seen what I needed to see, and, when she got home, I told her I was done and that I wanted her gone by the end of the week.

The rest you know. Her desperation, both our pain. Me walking out, wanting to kill the OM. The IC sessions, for each of us, three each in the past week. I was done. Finished. In pain. Struggling with anger but moving on. She was done. Her life finished. What she thought she was finally working towards destroyed by her own hand. She confided in her bff, who was being accosted by OM after I sent several aggressively threatening texts, and also in her Christian gf work, herself a victim of infidelity who had rescued her own MR. Bff, who had been in the process of distancing herself from OM and his somewhat unsavory crew (she is trying to legitimize and normalize her life now, as she transitions to a full time R with her AP, and, as well, had herself become persona non grata amongst some of OM's friends from her not-so-veiled attempt at an affair with one of the group's married men), ultimately blocked OM's calls, and has been only sporadically available to my W, apparently. W took refuge with her work gf and with the IC/MC, who provided guidance and understanding, but also "tough love"... the counseling sessions that led to our trial "meet up" on Saturday.

Our MC provided us both with a lot of guidance leading up to Saturday, and encouraged us to check in with her even over the holiday weekend, as things were bound to be "emotional" for us. In addition to all the other advice I have mentioned, MC told us both that if there were ever to be any recovery/return from this, that there was much hard and painful work to be done... that we should not move "too fast" but that we should also "not overthink things too much"... that if "reaching out" felt right in the moment, that we should be willing to surrender to that impulse, especially since so much of our history involved and so many of our issues arose from "holding back" and "putting up walls." She urged me in particular to "Take care of yourself and remember the need to protect yourself and insist on what you need to feel protected when dealing with your W" but, at that same time, do not doubt changes in people merely because they are sudden, reminding me to consider my own faith and talking about conversions to the faith-- one of which, as I mentioned, I am a firsthand witness to.

I thought about all of that on Saturday as I sat with my W, first next to each other, and, then ultimately, facing each other sort of indian style with our legs loosely intertwined (I drew us into that position myself... I almost don't remember doing it it just... happened... and seemed natural as breathing-- I would have never done that previously. Never. Not the person I was and not the relationship W and I ever had. But this felt completely normal and natural. In fact, it would have felt awkward not to be so intwined, IMO. And then we rose, and walked hand in hand back towards town. I did not hesitate to drop her hand... again as a natural consequence of the flow of our talk... when I became irritated, or when my hurt came to the surface, or when she said something that sounded... "excuse-y" or that highlighted the terrible, hurful, choice she had made. And she accepted that. Deferred to me. Leaned into me when the moment had passed and apologized. So many apologies. And tears. And they were genuine.

We found a small café. The food was amazing. We held hands across the table from time to time or crossed legs/feet underneath. We talked. We cried. We laughed a little. Then it was time to go. I walked her to her car and we hugged. I told her it was good to see her... that I was glad she had opened up to me like she did but that it had raised a whole raft of questions, and stirred my emotions again... even as the pain and hurt and anger she had already caused in me were still fresh and present. I needed time. I needed to be alone. I cared for her deeply, and was happy for seeing her, but I could not commit to coming back. To trusting her again. I needed time. Let me be for the day, for tomorrow morning, I said, I will meet you at church tomorrow at 11:30. "Okay", she said. "Thanks for seeing me" and, as I walked away, "I love you, Jim." I turned and waved and walked away.

(To be continued...)