Can I really do this?

[Dtrmned]

I love this board!
Very nervous today as we are just getting back into the routine of everyday life not knowing what is going to happen.

Good news is that the DR book and this board is totally changing the way I am looking at things. Since our financial crisis in 2015, my ONLY concern was keeping my family together. I have been carrying that as a burden and weight for just over 3 years now. I let it affect every aspect of my life. Professional, personal, friendships, kids, wife, etc. I know now that even though it was instinct, that it was very wrong. I freely admit my part in this issue by doing all of the things Michelle describes as wrong in the DR book. I've begged, pleaded, tried to rekindle, bought gifts, ALL of the things that only pushed my wife further and further away.

Knowing that I have no control over her choices makes things so much better. Doesn't mean I like it, just good to realize that if I try to force, the opposite will happen. The constant worrying, obsessing, etc. over how I believe my wife is going to rip apart our family was (and is) excruciating. This is not a guilt play on her, just the way I feel.

I am going to pick up a couple of books this week to read as well and keep working out.

You asked on the health issues. I am unsure how to truly answer this as sometimes they are very confusing to me as well. I've seen the xrays, CT scans, mri's etc. and I see the issues and speak with her doctors as well. She applied for SSI disability 3 years ago. Was denied for her final appeal a few weeks ago (she just told me this last week so a little shocked that she held that back). No idea on what she will do for income and I know her lifestyle will drastically change unless she jumps right into a new relationship (again fairly certain there is no PA going on due to the medical issues) and unsure how long term that would work for her.

Presently, I feel she is a little delusional as she said that she expects me to pay all of the bills because we are still married but has zero intention of retaining a relationship.

She is reaching out to her mom and dad (father abandoned family when she was 12 and mother checked out pretty much and sent my wife to a special school for awhile). Dad was a mental/physical/sexual abuser of her and Mom allowed it to happen and then when Dad left, my wife rebelled and her Mom just sent her away. They are now her "lifeline" and will be her financial support (for a short time anyway as I've known them both and they will not do it for long). Wife wasn't speaking to either of them when we got married and now has a decent relationship with both of them, even though they still have the very serious unresolved issues.

Wife had a crazy teenage experience and experimented with a lot of stuff, moved around a lot, and was definitely self medicating and rebelling against what happened to her. We met and were immediately inseparable. Now, she says that I was the worst thing that ever happened. That she "sacrificed" her life to be with me. Funny how the mind can make you believe whatever you want. We are not perfect, but when we were good, we were awesome. We have been through a lot and I agree that most wouldn't even have made it this far.

So. Why all of this? I am unsure as to where she really is in her own mind. She is on her phone and ipad all day (boards, friends, etc.) or watching TV (ghost/spiritual shows, vampire shows, supernatural stuff (both reality and regular tv), so I think she is starting to believe that some of that is real. She got 2 small tattoos while the kids and I were gone. One is an arrow which she said meant "you must go backward to move forward) and another was 2 small arrowhead types on her finger which means "create your own reality". I figured she would do something like this as a rebellious thing. Lashing out like a kid, etc. I said "it looks great" and moved on. Didn't take the bait. I don't know how long it will take her to realize that life WILL change drastically and for better or worse, having the kids half the time will take a toll on her and change her life as well.

Working on this everyday!
Thanks again DB Board!!!!