I am a relative newbie and not anywhere in your situation (no kids). So take this 2x4 with a grain of salt:
STOP. Stop now. Everything says this is not about you. Everything says this is fundamentally an issue that has been lurking in your wife. Everything says she and ONLY SHE can navigate through this, and that there is no guarantee she will come out of it. IF she does there is no guarantee you can reconstruct your marriage.
BUT EVERYTHING you are doing right now is wrong. It will only hurt you, it will not help her, and if anything it MAY reduce the chances of your marriage surviving. I think you know all this. And yes I completely understand how much it hurts to love someone who is in this state, want to protect and be there for them and to hope for restoring what you had. BUT COME ON accept that your marriage as you knew it is OVER.
Hanging around, caressing her, hoping for a kiss and for her to "wake up" right now is definitely like sticking your hand in the fire. Guess what the fire will burn just as it was, but you are the one who is burning off your flesh for no reason.
Detach now. Get a life now. Start focusing on yourself NOW. Focus on your kids NOW. And do this knowing it is the right path for YOU and it also happens to be the right path to let her go, create the space for her to go through this. You can not "put your foot down" and make her see, the core of this issue is for your wife to finally decide, stand, exist and FEEL all on her own, without ANY outside influence pulling her to or pushing her away.
Detach doesn't mean to not love, it means to love from a distance because you know to love her right now you have to let her go. And to love her means you HAVE to get yourself to a balanced space where you don't need her, to make sure you can still be there when and if she is ready to come back. Otherwise when she gets there you will be so broken and hurt that you may very well hate her.
