Wish it were that simple... i still love her and i want this to work but then yeah i kinda do get the idea that she is just stringing me along because she does not see any real way out financially and also because she is in love with the idea of our family and that she is indeed TRYING to somehow make it work but her feelings of wanting freedom and wanting to try something else get in the way.
Maybe part of the problem is also ME not really making a stand here, maybe she is indeed LOOKING for me to put down my foot and either show her the boundaries OR make it crystal clear that i love her and that i am her husband and that i want us to be together. This HAS been an issue in the past (and present still) where i have problems making up my mind and taking a firm decision.
Anyway, so later in the day things calmed down as they often do between us and she was tired so she was lying down next to me and let me stroke her hair (something we often do still) so she clearly lets me give her SOME tenderness. Later on when she woke up she even gave me a little kiss on the mouth but when i leaned in for more she said that she cannot do that right now. This is of course what i read in another thread here, where women sometimes do this since they're not really in love with you or not ready for more than small caresses etc. ugh
It's all just so freaking SAD to be honest, it's breaking my heart just thinking about it... our son LOVES it when we're all together doing things like a real family and my W enjoys it too at that time... i love her and she loves me( granted the kind of love she has for me is probably varying all the time in her mind and heart) yet we cannot seem to find a way to communicate our true feelings the right way to each other.
She even told me today that all the things she is doing right now with her new best friend (not gonna call him OM since he is gay and it's platonic, 99% sure) like going to the gym all the time, going on crazy trips for a couple days, going out late at night having fun, she'd rather do them with ME than with him even, but she can't since i am not the kinda guy for that anymore. I am not spontaneous enough for her (there is truth in this) i am way too cautious, reasonable, and paranoid for her to have fun in the same way with me and that is what she is craving now.
I am pretty much venting here, but yeah i do agree that i probably should put the focus back on myself instead of trying to accommodate her every need like i have been for the last couple weeks, but then she'd tell me again how i obviously do not love her unconditionally and that i don't put her FIRST which was always a reproach that she made me earlier in our relationship and she was RIGHT as i was damn selfish and am only now trying to be a better husband/man.
The thing is, it's killing me though. I am not sure if i can keep this up, i WANT to be there for her, help her and support her every way i can to show her how much i love her but i don't feel her behavior changing in any meaningful way. As long as she doesn't know whether she wants to be with me for good or not, things won't make sense, there won't be any real relationship.
I honestly kinda feel like a doormat at times and i don't like it. It's all SO hard to juggle emotionally that it's tearing me apart at times... I am also struggling with GAL these days. Whenever i see her i want to be NEAR her even if it's emotionally draining, i miss her a lot
All the signs point towards this R being TOXIC to my emotional sanity, yet i can't quit as i love her and i love our family, it's all i've got really.
