In my case, it's my wife but YES, I think needing anything, including me, is one of her greatest fears. Perhaps this is part of the personality of people drawn to the military. She is afraid to need or be vulnerable, and has specifically told me that she does not want to be in position of dependence because as you said, there are times she simply won't have me, or whatever she is dependent on.
We met right after she returned from an Afghanistan deployment and it took me a long time to really understand what it is like for military members to have such large segments of their lives where it's just them and the basics. They don't have to worry about all the complexities of life while they're in the desert. Do your job, eat, gym, and sleep pretty much. It can be a hard adjustment where they get whiplashed back into all the craziness of normal life. When they have a spouse, I think we do take on a lot of this everyday stuff for them and keep it running. In my case, I think she is inevitably somewhat dependent (not necessarily in an unhealthy way) and resents it.
Sorry! I assumed you were the wife. I try not to, but most military personnel are guys, so, sometimes assumptions happen.
I'm trying to make peace with the fact that I cannot help him deal with this issue if he does not want to. Willingness to get hurt is a prerequisite to feeling in love and to being happy. When people build barriers to keep out pain, they also keep out any and every meaningful connection. I know that my husband sees it as strength. It's not.
While we have been apart before, this will be the first time he deploys. So far, he has worked very hard to isolate himself. There will be no texts, emails, or care packages. I fully intend to let him have exactly what he wants. (Or what he thinks he wants anyway.) I will drop him off and I will pick him up. That's it.
I also know him well enough to tell that there is a meltdown coming. It may not be now. It may not be months from now. But it's coming and it will not be pretty. I'm going to spend the next 11 months trying to decide whether I want to be there when it does happen.
Me: 28 H: 30 T: 9 M: 7
WAH: First half of 2017. Round 2 started in Spring 2018.
