No affair, no feelings...is there hope?

[44tries]

As I replied to Olya, I am going to let her be the one to figure out how we will move everything and when. Do you think this is a mistake? But I certainly am not in a rush to push for it and I sort of view the fact that she didn't come in and say here are some boxes, get packing, as a win. We have about ten months left at this location, don't know where we (I guess she) is going next, but if I am not on her orders maybe the military will ship my stuff/car home. I don't know how all this works and partly why it is up to her to find out. I am hoping that continuing living together and having this time if we get that far is a positive.

You are right, probably too focused on her. But, for myself I am buckling down on studies and job preparation, going to start doing things on my own like mountain biking and being stricter about going to the gym etc. The problem is that I am pretty isolated here and don't have the luxury of going out with my friends or a lot of the community resources I would normally have. Guess it's time to make some new local friends at the dog park and try to improve my language skills to communicate (something I have been doing anyway).

Right again, I don't think the crisis ended. I did at one point, or rather just ignored it because I thought the storm had passed. Big mistake I won't make again. If she decides to not be completely done, we will have to do a lot of intentional work on rebuilding our connection and trying to reignite the feelings that are missing. As for the changes I made, they were genuine and I truly believe I am permanently changed in the ways I tried to and that any future relationship with her or someone else will benefit. I focused mostly on 1. giving her more space and not being overbearing as she has mentioned feeling suffocated often. Obviously I will continue to work on it as she said it again this week but she has said it way less often and I know my behavior is far less suffocating than it used to be. 2. I no longer try to control and have my way or talk and talk trying to convince her of my views. Before, I was easily threatened or felt anxious and could become manipulative without even realizing it. I reflected a lot on this and am much more calm and accepting, going with the flow (ironic because I'm actually pretty easy going in general, just not as much in he relationship), and valuing her opinions and wants a lot more. Allowing her to drive, so to speak. Those things I have improved and not regressed. Unfortunately, the things that I will focus on this time around (if I get the chance, or for future relationships) are probably more important, especially for the connection issue. I need to be much more aware of building her up, making her feel good about herself, that sort of thing. She is the type that would never ever ask for compliments and acts like she doesn't care or need anything like that, but I have learned over time it is all a facade. She is actually very needy (not in a bad way, lack of a better word) in this way. I am relatively insensitive and don't need much in the way of an ego-boost so it is not always first nature to make sure I mention positive things and actively try to make someone feel good. I think this has been very hurtful for her and I deeply regret not realizing it sooner. Secondly, I can be selfish in the small things and she notices. I am good at grand gestures and giving gifts, but when it comes to true selflessness, I have realized I am very poor in this area. If I open a cookie package and no one's looking I would probably take the best one for myself. I do not want to be this way anymore especially with my wife. It hurts so much to think that I may not have truly put her first and made her feel she is my top priority in the little ways (heck, there probably was a time when I thought she was my highest priority but she really wasn't because I was immature and dumb and didn't know how to be in a real adult relationship). These are ways I have grown as a person and will continue to strive to grow.

As for talking about the relationship, I agree, but what if she doesn't bring it up? Last time, she just sort of slid back into it without explicitly saying she was ready to try again. I guess I should have stopped and said hey what's going on, but I was afraid to rock the boat.

I will definitely keep posting, feels good to get it all "on paper" and not sit wallowing. Thanks again to anyone who doesn't even know me and takes the time to read.