how do you get to that point where the past is the past? Isn’t that sweeping it under the rug? I clearly still am angry and agitated about all that had passed.
That's the million dollar question and I will be honest I am not the person to answer this one as I still struggle with this. Sure time heals all but the impact all this has had still leaves a scar. I think the trick is to accept what has happened really happened. The hurdle is this is one sided, you must deal with this without much help from her. Allow yourself to have those moments of anger and be done with it, understand this will cycle and come back but in much smaller and easier to handle waves ... do not expect (you know what we say about expectations) for your spouse to hold your hand with this ... remember they have a full bowl of delicious MLC gruel to eat for themselves.
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Your words have been haunting me. I think unconsciously I have been punishing w. Nothing overt or aggressive but yes, a subtle jab here and there or a cold shoulder, I’m ashamed to admit that. No, that’s not acting like a man only a fool would leave. Maybe now I’m pushing her away?
I know I did similar, we were together for about a year and the big thing that changed was I went from 100 to zero in the sex department, I really did not pursue her nor it ... partly because of the STD she contracted but mostly because of the damage the betrayal caused. Truth is looking back she was not showing me the certain signs I was looking for, not jumping through the predetermined hurdles I had tactfully set up for her ... see where this is going? Expectations .... In my head there was a gauntlet of things she needed to do to prove her love and make up for all the damage she had done and there was no way I was letting her out of the dog house till I was satisfied. Ask yourself .... is the punishment more important than your need for it. Gordie, you just may not be ready to forgive her and thats acceptable, but until you are ready focus less on how she can make it up to you and more on how you can arrive to a place of allowing her to. In time maybe she will do this but she has some work to do and is currently still not wanting to be judged, she is trying this married thing on and trying to see how it fits .... just like that ring she is wearing, its familiar but still strange after all this has happened. My advice ... if you want to be married conduct yourself as such, are you not wearing the ring as a form of punishment or you are not sure? Its the push pull dance and at best its Passive/Aggressive ... I know because I danced that dance too .... in some ways I still do but I notice it so much faster now.
Keep working and looking inward you have come a long way, and there is still more to go.
